Alright, in today’s video, we’re going to talk about taking your relationship seriously, taking your desire for a relationship seriously thinking through not just what you want, but how you’re going to get it. I’m going to make the case for why it’s not something that will kind of just takes care of itself. For some girls, it does take care of itself, but not for everyone. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, we’re going to talk about taking your relationship seriously. Some of you watching this may already take relationships very seriously. Some of you may be how I used to be and are a little more free-spirited about it. I know some of us kind of feel like and especially I don’t know about Other countries, but in America, especially, we kind of have this attitude that love and marriage is just going to somehow take care of itself.  And that we don’t really have to put much energy into it. You know, we’re taught to put a lot of energy into things like our education, our careers, but somehow, you know, having a happy relationship and having a happy marriage, that’s somehow expected to just take care of itself.

Taking Your Relationship Seriously

So I’m going to make the case that, you know, we should not have that attitude, and that it is something we need to put some thought into. I think one of the big reasons why is because, you know, in an age of like Tinder and hookups, if we just go with the flow, it’s not something that’s going to happen on its own. I feel like a lot of us, myself included, were kind of, you know, raised by women who, you know, maybe back when they were young society was in a much different place, and society was kind of it will kind of help you get married. You know, everybody kind of agreed that marriage was a somewhat good idea. And then that was that, but I feel like nowadays, it is entirely different. Now I feel like the fundamental issue with a lot of the dating and hookup culture right now is that basically women’s desires are expected to be conformed to male limitations. And I feel like what I mean by that is, you know, guys, in general, obviously, they’re still really good guys. But I feel like in general, there is the expectation that as a woman, you’re going to basically conform to the relationship and you’re going to conform your desires to what the guy wants. I feel like in a lot of situations, we even have a word for it. situationships, you know, where you find somebody you like, you know, you may be like him a lot. And it’s like when you’re doing that negotiation, you know, you’re in that early stage where you guys are both kind of feeling each other out. And it’s like, you’re not really sure if it’s going to turn into a relationship. And you’re just kind of like, in a way negotiating the terms, you know, kind of unspoken, you know, sometimes it’s a deliberate conversation, but in general, you guys are kind of negotiating, whether there’s going to be a relationship, what are the terms of this relationship? Like, how is this going to go down? And I feel like, in a lot of situations, guys are basically coming to the negotiation table saying, either this deal is completely on my terms, or we will not have a deal. And I feel like that’s become very normal. And I think a lot of women are kind of, you know, it’s discouraging. It’s a discouraging position to be in and I feel like a lot of us have given up a little bit, and that’s why I’m saying, when I say take your relationship seriously, I don’t mean that as an insult. You know, maybe you’re watching this and you’re like, of course, I take my relationship seriously. It’s the guys that don’t. That’s true. But the point I’m making is, as women, I think we need to kind of think through not just what we want, but how to get it. I feel like one of the other issues with modern dating, is that everybody tells you Well, you got to know what you want. And you know, if you’re one of the women that does want marriage and children and stuff, you know what you want, you know, not every woman wants to get married. Not every woman wants to have a man in her life. And if that’s you, and you don’t want a man, like, you can click off this video right now because this is going to be boring for you. But I do feel like if you’re the kind of woman that does want that, the advice can be a little hollow because people’s advice is like, well, you just have to know what you want. And you know, it’s like, you can’t just write a checklist like this is what I want in demand and then somehow you’ll get it. I feel like half the battle is knowing how to get what you want. And I find that one of the biggest obstacles nowadays to women as far as them getting what they want out of relationships is this modern expectation that women are going to conform their desire for commitment to the male desire for experimentation.

A lot of guys just want to kind of sexually experiment with people and that’s not good. As a woman. You know, we have a natural orientation toward commitment and permanency and getting into a relationship that’s going to last a long time. And I think we also are very analytical About our relationships, we don’t usually jump into them. Now there are some women that do, they’re a little more free-spirited. And, not every woman is going to be like what I’m saying. But I would say by and large in general, most women tend to kind of think through the relationship. You know, we want to kind of know where it’s heading, you know, what am I to you? Where is this going, you know, men more of the ones who are like, they just want to live in the moment. They’re just having fun and like, they don’t really think ahead. And I think that that tendency of women should actually be celebrated. Like, if you’re like that, I’m sure the men you’ve tried to get into relationships with have probably kind of like, downplayed that and was like, I don’t know why you have to put labels on this or, you know, you’re taking the fun out of it and like, let’s just see where it ends up, you know, or I just want to see where things go. But think of it this way in every other area of Life, you know, career education, the person who goes into it with a long term vision, and is willing to look ahead and have a goal and they want to plan how they’re going to end up at that goal. You know, they are often praised. You know you don’t go into college, just like, Oh, well, I guess I’ll just do whatever, like, let me just live in the moment. And I’ll just see, I’ll just take these classes right now because it’s fun. And then next semester, I’ll just take different ones.

Some of you may have done that to your college that way. But I’m sure you know, once you graduated, realize it wasn’t a very good plan. But in general, the person who just kind of flies by the seat of their pants and lives it moment by moment. They’re not going to have a good career. They’re not going to have a proper education and society. You know, we all kind of agree on that. You know, we all realize that that’s like that. But yet somehow when it comes to relationships, that feminine desire to plan ahead and have a bowl and know, are we on track to the goal, you know, versus that male desire to just kind of fly by the seat of their pants? You know, why is it different with a relationship? You know, think about that, if it’s good to plan ahead, and every other area of life, why is love and marriage supposed to just be this random thing that Oh, you don’t put planning into that. Really, why? That might be why we have this huge divorce rate. Just saying, at least in America, I don’t know where you are watching this. But in America, we have like a 50% divorce rate. And we also have this attitude that like, Oh, it’s weak to put thought and effort into relationships and finding good ones like, Oh, you should just go with the flow. And I agree with that. But anyway, I think that’s just really important.

Know What You Want and Know How To Get It

So going back, I’m kind of going off on a tangent, but going back to what I was saying was, you have to know what you want And you have to know how to get it. And I think in addition to knowing how to get it, you have to know what obstacles are likely to trip you up. I think one of the big obstacles in America can be this belief that love is somehow like a little side project. You know, it’s just this extracurricular thing that happens while you’re living a real life and real life is your career or your job or your education, that somehow, relationships are just, you know, they’re just this little thing. And I think that attitude is partly born out of fear. Because I think on some level, we all know how devastating a relationship went wrong can be. And I think also, you know, a lot of us have seen our mothers or our aunts or maybe our grandmothers kind of lose out in love and so that can be really scary. So I think, you know, as a coping mechanism or a response, we will often kind of treat love as if it’s a small little thing. And that’s why in this video, that’s kind of the premise that is the opposite of what I’m saying in this video when I say take your relationship seriously. I mean, and this is a concept that I feel is really fundamental to the spirit of this channel, it is that you should take control of your love life. Because nowadays, men are not going to do it for you, you know, this is like Tinder time. And you should take responsibility for what you want, and you should take them seriously because that’s the only way you’re going to get it right and be happy with it.

Three Phases of How To Get What You Want

I think one of the other things, too, is not just taking it seriously, like you have to know how to get what you want. And I think there are really three phases to that. One. I think you have to understand male psychology. You have to understand how men think about dating and relationships, you have to understand how they think about it when they’re not really serious about you, and you have to understand how they think about it once they actually do get attached to you. Because that can be a little different men view things a little differently, whether they’re attached to you or not. So I think that’s important. And then the second part of that, you know, getting what you want is that three-step process. And the second part is you have to learn how to be attractive, you know, it’s not just you have to understand what men are thinking. And you have to also understand how to be attractive, you have to understand what they want. And the third one is you have to understand how to vet men. I feel like there are loads of YouTube videos out there that are into you know, here’s how to be attractive is like, it’s easy to do that when you know, you’ve already found somebody who likes or is very motivated to make it work. But part of the problem is you have to vet men, you have to make sure you’re not dealing with what I like to call and I can use a stronger four-letter word, but I’m not going to when you’re dealing with crappy raw material, you know, you can watch all the videos you want on like, oh, texts that will melt his heart or, you know, here’s what to say, to get guys to commit. But if you’re dealing with a man who is like, he’s so broken by childhood trauma, or he is very committed, you know, he doesn’t want to commit to you because he’s already committed to himself and committed to being emotionally unavailable. You know, there are men like that they do not want to commit, come hell or high water, you know, they just don’t want to for whatever reason. I think it’s really important to vet men. You know, there’s a lot of stuff on YouTube that talks about how to be attractive to men, but there’s a lot less about how to pick a good man. And I think it’s because us women, we’re taught that relationships are just this little side piece to our lives that will kind of work themselves out. And I’m here to say that that’s not the case, a lot of times you will not have a happy, satisfying relationship if you just kind of leave it to work out itself. And that’s why vetting men is so important. You know, a lot of us we just go through life and myself included, I’ve done this too. You know, you’re just so busy trying to keep your career, your education together, that you just go through life. And you know, some men just strike you as attractive, and then you try to get something going with them. And you don’t really vet them, you know, you just kind of take what comes along, you take whatever is attractive, you know, whoever’s attractive comes along, and you’re like, Oh, great, and you know, back in the day, that was enough, you know, that was enough of a strategy but I feel like nowadays There are so many weird, broken, crazy men out there. That Yeah, you do need to kind of vet them. And so it doesn’t do any good to know how to be attractive or to know how men think. When maybe you’re dealing with crappy raw material. It’s kind of like making an omelet. You know, you’re never going to have an amazing omelet. If you start with rotten eggs. You could have the best technique, the best selection of spices and milk and everything else put in it, but if you’re starting with rotten eggs, that’s going to be a crappy omelet, you know?

So anyway, yeah, that’s pretty much just what I wanted to talk about, just something to think about. I hope it’s not too triggering. I’m not trying to call anyone out or imply that, you know, while some of you aren’t taking it seriously, but it’s there are reasons and I think we shouldn’t get caught up in not taking it seriously. Though I think also one thing before I go, one thing I will mention, another thing that can get in the way of taking a relationship seriously can be careers, you know, sometimes we can get so caught up in working, that we don’t really look ahead at where life is going, you know, we can kind of think, Oh, of course, I want a good relationship. Oh, of course, I’ll meet a good guy. And then, you know, meanwhile, we’re throwing everything we can into our career, thinking the love stuff will just take care of itself. And then all of a sudden, you know, we’ve sunk three, four or five years into a career. And we’re running out of options with men. And that’s one thing that I feel like, at least in America, we’re very into our jobs. And it can be easy for us to do that. I think other countries are better than us in that area. But we work very hard and we encourage people, especially women, we encourage them to work very hard. And the thing to remember is work won’t love you back. You know you do have to put in the effort to find a good relationship. And it’s really hard when you have a demanding career it can be really hard to put in the time to find someone.

So anyway, just some food for thought I’m kind of just rambling going on a tangent I feel like but I thought that was an important concept that it’s something we need to take seriously that love is a serious part of our life. It can make us very miserable but at the same time, it can make us very happy if you get love right? You’ve gone so far along the way to having a good life. You’ve got one of the major pieces in place if you can find the right guy and have happy love, not like tortured struggle, love or situationship love where you never really get what you want. You know if you can find the right guy, then a lot of other things fall into place. It’s Not everything, you know, you still have to be your own person. There are still other parts of life that are important and don’t get taken care of by that. But if you find a good guy, and you get that piece of the puzzle right, a lot of other things in life become easier and you can be very happy. I think there’s also some of the time we’re afraid to take our relationship seriously because we’re so afraid they will fail us and not make us happy. We so much want them to make us happy. But then we’re worried that maybe it’s just too fairytale. Maybe they really can’t make us happy. You know, maybe men will really never make us happy. And that’s not true. If you get the right guy. He can make you very happy. So don’t give up hope. But anyway, yeah, so that’s the video. I hope that was helpful. So yeah, like, share, leave me a comment. Let me know if you have a question or anything.