Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, this is a viewer request, we are going to talk about interreligious dating, should you date someone who’s not Catholic or have a different religion than you, or maybe no religion, maybe you have religion and they don’t. So we’re going to discuss that and we’re going to kind of talk about some guidelines and things to keep in mind. So stay tuned.

Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood, Happy Thomistic Tuesday, or whenever you’re watching this. So someone over on the Tiktok channel left a comment and asked if I could do a video about interreligious dating. This was a girl, she was Catholic, and she’s dating a Jewish guy. So I’m just going to give kind of some advice and thoughts on that, I feel like when the topic of interreligious dating comes up, it’s always kind of a sober discussion. Because while it’s great to be in love with someone, there’s always a certain joy to that, when that person is of a different faith than you, there are some things to keep in mind. And there are some difficulties that kind of present themselves. So we’re going to kind of discuss that today. And to kind of frame this discussion, the first thing that you have to keep in mind is the purpose of dating. There are two philosophies right now of dating, there is the kind of the worldly philosophy of dating where dating is just to have fun, want to enjoy their companionship, to curb loneliness, you want to have that companion, you want to have that emotional connection with someone so you don’t feel alone in the world there’s a lot of like sex and impurity that comes into it as well, enjoying that aspect of things. And like the rest of society, there is a philosophy of relationships that says that relationships are about having a good time, it’s about enjoying each other and that is one philosophy. And then there’s the second philosophy, and this is the mind of the church, is that dating is about marriage. So you’re not just there to have a good time, and get to know somebody who would be a good companion and who you enjoy being around, you also need to make sure that this is somebody who would be a good spouse because when you’re dating, you’re looking for a spouse, you’re looking for someone you can marry, you can start a family with. And that is the ultimate purpose of dating.

TWO PHILOSOPHIES OF DATING

And so when you think of those two philosophies, it can kind of bring into perspective immediately some of the issues with dating someone of a different faith. There’s a quote that I think sums up this perspective, the Catholic perspective, and it is “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” And it’s by someone and I’m going to probably butcher the name, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. So this person had a very insightful comment. This is my favorite comment on love. And it sums up the differences between these two mentalities. You’re not gazing at each other and just enjoying each other. But rather, ideally, you should have a partner where you and him can gaze outward in the same direction, you have the same values, you’re both going the same place in life.

And so when you are dating someone of a different faith, that can present some issues,  as I’m sure you will know. Most of us when we date someone of a different faith, or no faith, or whether you’re Catholic watching this, or maybe you’re Christian, it’s kind of an issue. Anyone of faith runs into, do I want to date someone who doesn’t see life and religion quite the same way I do? Is that really a problem? How much of a problem is it and so in this situation, you know, Catholicism is very specific about how we are to live our lives, what the purpose of life is, what the purpose of marriage is. And I think for a Catholic, it does present some problems, especially in the case of someone Jewish because the Jewish religion is also very specific, there’s a lot of rituals, there’s a lot of rules, there’s things controlling what they can eat, how they celebrate certain holidays, things like that, which can make it kind of difficult. Now, to the person that requested this video. I don’t know what stage in the relationship you guys are at. Maybe you’ve been dating a long time, you’re already really in love. Or, I also don’t know what’s the word degree of dedication maybe that your boyfriend has to his Jewish faith. Obviously, if there’s less of dedication to it, that can be a little more hopeful. Sometimes that’s easier to work with.

However, if he’s very dedicated to it, then that can pose issues, as I’m sure you understand. So I think sometimes when we talk about interreligious dating, it can be kind of abstract when people say like, Oh, you guys won’t have the same values or whatever. And that can be kind of hard, because the existing experience of dating someone is usually pretty positive, if it was that much of a problem, you wouldn’t be dating him. And so it can often kind of be hard to think through. And I think also, sometimes when this when this topic comes up, especially when (you know, and I speak from experience) the last guy I was involved with, I was really in love with him, and he wasn’t Catholic. And that did present a problem. And, the priests are the people kind of like mentors, authority figures in my life, they would tell me like, Oh, you guys don’t have the same values, this isn’t gonna work out. And while that is true, I kind of want us to look at it from a different angle than that. And I think it’ll help illustrate the point that the church is trying to make with us and kind of some of the warnings that she wants to give us. So rather than see it as some forbidden fruit as you cannot get with this person, you guys can’t be together, blah, blah, blah, your love is forbidden, which can kind of make it more appealing, let’s be real, let’s consider it this way. Let’s say you get everything you want. And this man, you’re dating, you and him, you fall in love more, you guys make that commitment, you get married, you have kids, you get everything you’re hoping for, and it works out.

Here’s something to keep in mind. Depending on what his degree of dedication to his faith is, the first thing you’re going to have to think about is how will this child be baptized? Where will it be baptized? Will it be baptized? The Jewish religion doesn’t recognize Christ as the Messiah. So to them, baptism is kind of pointless because they don’t think Christ has the ability to cleanse us of our sins, and that kind of thing. So, the first hurdle you’re going to have is, you’re going to be like, Okay, I’m gonna need to get this child baptized. And maybe your husband, there’s a lot of love between you, you have a lot of influence over him, and he lets you get the child baptized? What are the in-laws gonna do? Are the in-laws going to give you trouble about it? Are they going to refuse to come to the ceremony? Or they may be going to put pressure on your husband, being his family? He’s going to have that natural bond with them? Are they going to give him trouble about it? You know, they know your set, and you know what you want for your children? Are they going to try and work on him and create problems between you because maybe they don’t want the child to be baptized? So that’s something to keep in mind.

Another thing? How will the children be raised? What faith are they going to be raised in? That’s also something to consider the Catholic Church, being the loving mother she is, she doesn’t outright forbid, what in this case is called a mixed marriage. Whenever a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, regardless of whether they’re Christian, Jewish, atheist, whatever, it’s called a mixed marriage. And the church tolerates it, because she understands. Sometimes you fall in love with people that aren’t Catholic, and the church tolerates it, it is not something the church would much prefer, you marry another Catholic, and the church prefers that, not just for your sake, for the sake of the Catholic, but also for the sake of the non-Catholic because there’s going to be difficulties for them as well. The church doesn’t outright forbid it. So if you did want to marry this guy, you would have to sign and I’m not sure how it is, there might have been some changes since the Vatican too, but I believe that it is still the case that your husband will have to sign a paper promising to raise the children as Catholics. So he is going to have to put that in writing, yes, I will raise the children Catholic. So that is something that could create a wedge between you guys, you’d have to find out. Is he going to uphold that promise? Or is he going to be resentful of it sometimes, as what happens in mixed marriages, sometimes, they make this Prop, this promise, and they get married, and they set out on their married life, and they have kids, and then over time, the two spouses don’t completely see eye to eye on this, and they tend to kind of either drift apart, or if there’s, you know, strong love between them and in an emotional attachment there as there should be in marriage.

They don’t want to argue with each other, they love each other, they don’t want the conflict. And so what can often happen is the Catholic can kind of drift away from their faith a little bit because they stop wanting to bring it up, there is that disincentive of upsetting their spouse. And so then it can sometimes not get brought up and that can create problems not just for the Catholic but also for the children. They’re not Gonna get the firm, clear religious guidance that they’re needing as they grow up, just because of the tension in the home between the parents over religion. So that can cause some issues.

Then another thing, and this comes out in adolescence, even in the best of situations, when you have two Catholics, it’s always hard to raise children and for everybody to keep their faith, it’s, it’s always been that way. But when you have someone who is not Catholic, that can put more tension on an already fragile time, in adolescence, that’s when children they hit their teenage years, they want to rebel, they want to test every limit, this is where children can start drifting away from the faith, even in the best of situations. But if your spouse is not Catholic, and not on the same page with you, that can actually make the children think that their rebellion in their rejection is justified, that can cause more problems.

And I think also, there was a study done, and I think this is really important, because I think, for us Catholic girls, and just women of faith in general, I think a lot of times, we will hear stories where somebody will say, Well, I was my father was atheist, and my mother was a good Catholic, but I kept my faith because of my good mother blah blah. And I think sometimes we can assume a little bit, that and I know I have fallen into this, it’s, well, I’m a good Catholic, I will raise the children Catholic, and that will be enough, I will make up for their father’s lack of religion, I will see to it, that I be as good and as practicing and virtuous as I can be to make up for it, it’ll be okay, because I’ll make up for it. And I think sometimes, in an effort to inspire women, sometimes I think we can put a little too much emphasis on the influence of the mother and we can ignore the influence of the Father.

And so I have a study here that I think illustrates what I’m talking about, and give some kind of hard data behind what I’m saying here. And so basically, Now, granted, this is a very small study, it was 200 young boys and girls over a period of 17 years from 1985 to 2002. And what this study tracked was the perseverance of these young people, it would did these children stay practicing Catholics into adulthood? Or did they lose their faith. And interestingly, the study proved that an essential element for perseverance, perseverance in the faith in Catholicism was the influence of the Father in the years of formation. 80% of young people, so out of these 200 people that were followed for 17 years, 80% of them whose father regularly practicing the faith remained faithful. And when the father didn’t practice his faith, 84% of his children didn’t practice it either. When I read this, it was very eye-opening for me.

And then also, here’s another example. This is less scientific. This is a little more anecdotal. But it says a merchant navy Captain did the following research all the more significant as it spans a 30-year career. The crew of his ships consisted of 30 or so sailors, most of whom were from Catholic families, but only a few practice their faith. The captain was interested in the parents of his sailors and came to this conclusion, after he had questioned them and talk to them about their parents and, did their parents practice their faith? What was the situation there? After all, that he came to this conclusion, all those who practiced always said that their father was a fervent Christian, all those on the other hand, who had distanced themselves from religion confessed, my mother was a good Christian, very pious, even, but my father did not practice. So based on that, in that data there, I think it goes to show that the father’s influence is actually much more decisive than we give them credit for.

Again, I think in religion, we tend to over-focus on the piety of the mother. And we kind of think that as long as the mother is pious, it doesn’t matter what the dad does, actually, it does. And it sounds like based on this, the father is a pretty decisive influence. So that is something to keep in mind. If you are going to marry this guy, there is a very good chance your children won’t keep their faith. And so is that really something you want to have happen? So again, like I said, this is kind of a sobering video. I wish I had happier news, but again, this is usually a risky thing to undertake. And I think also one of the other things and again, this may be less of a problem with a Jewish guy because the Jewish religion is pretty monogamous. They kind of frown on divorce a little bit. But again, if he’s not a very pious Jew if he’s not very dedicated to his faith, one of the issues that can come up in interreligious marriages is the Catholic. Obviously, as Catholics, we believe that marriage is forever, you marry this person, divorce is not an option, you have to stay together through thick and thin, good or bad. However, the non-Catholic party usually doesn’t believe that. And that can lead to a situation where when the marriage hits a difficult patch, which all marriages do, every marriage has had its ups and downs.

And the problem with a mixed marriage is that sometimes they can hit a rough patch, and the Catholic is ready to be committed and see it through. But because the non-Catholic party doesn’t have that same attitude toward marriage, there is more of an attitude of well, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll get a divorce. And I’ll try again, with someone else. That can lead to a divorce in the in the marriage, it can actually lead to the end of the marriage. And it’s a very tragic, sad thing.

So I would hope that, you guys have a good understanding of each other. And I would hope that you, as a woman have a good influence on him, you can pray for his conversion. But at the same time, you do need to go into this with your eyes wide open, and understand the risks that you’re undertaking, not only for yourself, but for your children, and your future children. One of the things I think sometimes when I swim in when we date, we can be very focused on whether we like the guy, and is he going to meet our standards? Is he someone we would be happy being married to. And that’s all well and good, it’s important to consider yourself as part of this equation. However, it’s always important to think of your future children as if they exist in a way, and really think about this and say, Okay, I’m not just picking this man, for me, I’m picking him for my future children, you don’t want your children to grow up and look at you and go, Why him? Mom? Why did you marry him? and so, depending on how many children you have, you could have three children, four children, maybe seven or eight, there is always more people involved in this decision than it may seem like at first. So there could be three people involved four or five, it just depends.

So again, I wish I could say something like really happy and like, Oh my gosh, go for it, it’s gonna be great, I don’t feel that I would be a responsible advice giver. If I said that, I want you to know the truth. And like I say, go into this with your eyes wide open. And if you do after hearing this, if you are kind of getting the sinking feeling of like, maybe we shouldn’t be together, I just want to encourage you that there are other guys out there, God is faithful. And there is also a saying it is often mentioned in relation to religious life. But it is also very applicable to dating and it is the same, God will not be out done in generosity. And so what that means is any sacrifice you make for Christ, He will over and above give back to you. And so if you get to know this guy, and it becomes clear that you know, he’s not gonna convert, it’s not gonna work out that is a sacrifice, that you’ll have to make. But keep in mind, God will not be outdone in generosity, he will see the sacrifice you’ve made. And he’ll do something,  I’m sure he has somebody wonderful in mind for you. And it’ll be all the more sweet and wonderful because you and God will know, the sacrifice you had to make to get to that point. So again, food for thought.  I hope that was helpful. If you have any questions, you know, feel free to leave me a comment. So I hope you have a good day and thanks for watching.