Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, we’re going to talk about a kind of serious topic, but it’s one that I think is super crucial to your future and your life and your ultimate happiness. We’re going to talk about what comes first, a career or relationship. So we’re going to talk about that. And you know, what should you be doing during your 20s to set you up for a good life.

Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood, happy Thomistic Tuesday, or whenever you’re watching this. So in today’s video, we are going to talk about what I like to call your career won’t love you back, why you shouldn’t put your career above a relationship. This is a difficult video to make because I don’t want to stress you out, I don’t know how old you are watching this, or what kind of life you had. But in general, there is a very, very alarming trend that is happening in our society nowadays. There are a lot of women who are not getting married, and they’re ending up in their 40s and 50s. Single, and this trend does not show any signs of reversing. And I think it’s very concerning. And part of the reason for this is the way young women are being taught to live their lives.

And so in this video, I want to talk about and give my humble opinion, it’s your life, you can do what you want. But as someone who’s in her 30s, and is a little bit farther down the road than some of you depending on your age, maybe you’re in your 50s you’re watching this, you’re like you’re still a baby. Yeah, I do, I guess. But I want to talk about something that I wish someone had talked to me when I was in my 20s, which nobody did. And that is you need to be actively searching for a partner in your 20s. People didn’t tell me this, and we don’t talk about it in society. There’s a lot of talk about, oh, a woman doesn’t need a man. And oh, you know, you should focus on your career. And you should focus on your education and this and that. And while it’s important you do want to get some schooling, some education, I’m not saying you shouldn’t do that, I do think it’s important that before you’re 25, you should probably travel, go to Rome, go to London, go to Paris, go to these places that are very cultured, taking the art, taking the culture, it’ll help you be a more well-rounded woman, you know, get some education, for sure, it’ll help you be a more balanced and healthy person.

However, I don’t think you should spend your 20s making your career the number one priority. And I know this goes against the grain of what everything our society teaches us. And I think some of us, myself included, we maybe aren’t necessarily making our career, the priority on purpose. Maybe we were raised in a home where our father left the home and her mom had to work. Or maybe we were taught growing up, like, Oh, you can’t rely on a man like you should, you should put your effort into a career, blah, blah, blah. And then out of maybe fear and a sense of like survival, we will put most of our energy into having a job and having a career instead of dating. I think that’s a mistake. That is something I made in my 20s.  I did not have the best family backgrounds, and I had to work and live on my own. And I put a lot of effort into working and trying to manage and develop some financial stability for myself. And I put more effort into that than dating, simply because it seemed like a more urgent, scary problem. And looking back, I do think that was a bit of a mistake. And that’s why I’m making this video. If you’re in your 20s I’m here to tell you that you should be putting some effort into finding someone, I don’t want to scare you, I don’t want you to get anxious and feel like your life is going to be over if you don’t have a man if you’re the kind of person who’s like that maybe you shouldn’t watch this video because this is just going to stress you out more.

However, if you’re like I was if you’re the opposite kind of girl, and you’re just kind of going with the flow like whatever like a guy’s going to come I don’t want to worry about that. I’m here to say that maybe you should give it a little bit of thought when you’re in your 20s you are at your youngest and most beautiful and most attractive. A lot of men will not admit this, but they often find women over 30 less attractive, and most men just because of the age disparity, the fact that men will go for younger women, whereas women usually won’t go for younger men, we usually want men around the same age as us. Whereas men are okay and often prefer a woman younger. And because of that difference in ages, it can end up in a situation where when you’re in your 20s, you can successfully date men your own age, so you don’t notice a problem. But then you hit your 30s. And you start, trying to date the men who are your age in their 30s. And suddenly, they’re passing over you for the younger women, that is something that still happens in 2020. I do think as women, we should be aware of that. And so, if you’re in your 20s, I don’t think you should rely on serendipity.

When I was in my 20s, the times I would kind of start thinking about men and dating, I would get told, oh, it’s going to happen when you least expect it. Don’t put energy into it. Or if you’re religious, oh, well, if it’s God’s will, it’ll just happen for you, you know, God will arrange it. I disagree. I think that’s bad advice. Nowadays, in 2020, we have multiple generations of people coming from broken homes, and there are simply not that many healthy, marriable people out there. I don’t think serendipity is enough anymore. Yes, there are some people who do still find their spouse when they’re not looking. I’m not saying that can’t happen. I do have multiple friends that that happened. But there are not many healthy people. Nowadays, there’s a lot of men that are so warped by like porn addictions, drug addictions, just the general hookup culture that’s cheap. And women, there are a lot of men that are not fit to be married. And if you’re dating, it’s going to take long, I feel like because there are more kind of like, damaged, weird, unhealthy men, I think there’s a lot more of that. And so it’s going to take you longer to weed through the jerks and get to the quality guy that you can settle down with and marry. And that’s a process that takes time, it can take a few years.

And that’s why I think that you should start that process. Once you hit about 25, you should be thinking about that. And you should, in my opinion, you should be actively beginning that process and be dating with purpose, not dating, like, Oh, I guess I’ll do this, and then you have a disappointing experience, and you stop for a few years. But oh, I guess I think you should put some thought and planning and effort into it. Dating is very discouraging nowadays, it’s easy to give up on it and be like, what, I’m going to take time for me, that’s something we often get told, again, that can be healthy if you’re in your 20s, and you’re like, but I’m not ready to get married, I don’t want to have kids or get married yet, then that’s fine. But take time to work on yourself, maybe do some therapy, maybe do some like get some self-help books and do some journaling. And prayer, develop your prayer life, develop your spirituality, and your relationship with God. And develop yourself that way. But don’t think that, there’s another fallacy that floats around our society. And it is, oh, well, I have to find myself. Once I’ve developed myself, and I’ve healed myself and I’ve become the person I should be, then a man will come into my life. And I don’t think that’s completely true. Because it can take your entire lifetime, to really find yourself. We’re complex beings, it can take decades to find yourself. And so don’t think that finding someone is like the reward of healing yourself. It’s part of the journey, it’s not Oh, I want some at the end of my journey, I’ll find someone, you do need to understand that it will be part of your journey, someone will come to join you on the path while you’re still on it. It’s not like the reward, it’s not like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

So again, I’m not discounting the benefit that healing trauma can do. And it is important for us to heal trauma so that we can bring the right partner onto the path with us. But please don’t fall into that trap of spending years trying to find yourself and then thinking, Oh, then I’ll get him in. you should put some effort into it and try to do both things at once.

Some of the other things, it’s easiest to find someone when you’re in your 20s a lot of good guys get snapped up in their late 20s and 30s, and early 30s. And then by the time you’re older, there are not that many good guys today, and that can make life really difficult. Also, pregnancy and having children is easiest when you’re in your 20s you’re going to have fewer birth complications. You’re going to be able to get pregnant easier. You’re not going to have to spend a lot of time and money on things like fertility treatments and stuff, it will be easier, everything will be easier when you’re in your 20s. Now, again, there are exceptions, if you have PCs or something, that’s regardless of your age, you’re going to have difficulty, sadly, but you want to stack the deck in your favor. And when you’re in your 20s, you are in the prime of life, you are the most attractive that you’ll be to men, I’m not saying you’re not attractive after your 30s, you can still be that way. But you are the most attractive in your 20s. And it is the easiest to attract men, and you’re going to have a wider pool of men, and you’re going to have more healthy ones. So dating will be easier. And it’ll be easier to not get discouraged and give up on dating. The older you get somebody, a comedian once said to date in your 40s is like shopping in a thrift store. And I think there’s a lot of truth in that. the older you get, the harder it’s going to be to find someone that’s healthy.

And also you want to set yourself up for your 40s, your 50s, and your 60s when you’re young and in your 20s, thinking about what you’re going to be like when you’re 40 what life is going to be like when you’re 50 you don’t think of that because it’s just it’s so far in the future. When you’re young, it’s easy to just think of today. But part of why you want to get a good spouse when you’re young is so that you set up the end stages of your life better think of it as like insurance for your old age, you want a companion, you want someone to be there with you when you’re old, it’s very lonely, being old and alone. A lot of these women are like, Oh, I have cats, and like, people talk about like the crazy cat lady or whatever. And there are crazy cat dudes as well. But it’s lonely. when you’re young, and you’re in the prime of life, it’s not that lonely to be single, there’s a lot of people like you in the same situation. But the older you get in life, and as each passing decade of life, you enter into your 30s, and you enter into your 40s, life gets more and more lonely. When you’re an old woman, there are a lot of old women who didn’t marry when they were younger, and they’re very bitter and unhappy. Again, this is not a politically correct video to make this is not a pleasant topic to discuss. But I implore you to take this seriously, because we have everything in society screaming at you in the opposite direction. So I’m over here, trying to steer you the other way and get you to think about something other than what they’re telling you, you will have your entire life to go on adventures, you will have your entire life to travel, you will have your entire life to get second and third degrees. Do adventures, do things like that, start businesses, switch careers, you will have your entire life to do that. But you will not have your entire life to have a child, your fertility is going to cut off around your late 30s, early 40s. And then you’re not going to be able to have a kid if having a kid is important to you. You need to take concrete steps to find a man who would be a good father and a good husband and have kids with him. There is a time limit on that. Fertility has a time limit. Careers and traveling don’t, nobody’s going to stop a 60-year-old woman from boarding a plane to the Bahamas, but biology will stop you from boarding the plane to motherhood.

So the next thing one other thing too is we often look at celebrities, we will see the 48-year-old celebrity who’s having a baby and men fall into this trap, too. We all look at celebrities and we go well, they did it in their old age, so I can do it too. And we women, we look at that celebrity in her 40s and she’s having children. And yes, it is possible, but it’s not probable. And she often the dirty little secret is a lot of them have surrogates, they have their eggs and sperm implanted in another woman and that woman actually carries the pregnancy because this celebrity woman her uterus is old enough to where it’s not going to sustain a pregnancy. So that is a dirty little secret that they don’t talk about another thing they spend 10s of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments, are you going to have that kind of money? Do you want to spend that kind of money?

If you’re Catholic, some of these fertility treatments are forbidden. They’re considered immoral by the church. The sexual act should be between men and women. It has to be done in person the natural way. You can’t have these tests on babies. So for some of you watching this, a lot of these fertility treatments aren’t even going to be enough. for you. So again, all the more reason to put thought and effort into finding someone when you’re still young enough to have children. So again, food for thought. And men will often do this too. They’ll look at these celebrity men like George Clooney, and they’ll go, Oh, well, this old guy got a hot, 20-year-old chick, these guys think they’re going to get 20-year-olds forever and they don’t.

A young woman wants to get with people who are around the same age. And these, what these men don’t understand is they’re looking at these wealthy celebrity men. And they’re not realizing like, oh, it takes money to do this, and again, it’s the same with the celebrity women having children and deleting age, it takes money to do this. But just as a man can waste his entire window to find a spouse by chasing after women who are too young for him, and then he wastes all his time going after something that’s not realistic, because it happens in such a slim chance, We women can do the same thing, we can look at something that has such a slim chance. And instead of taking the steps we need to take to ensure the future, we can look at this and go well, it’s possible. So it’s probable, so then we waste our time. And we cannot often lose our window. So, again, another thing, women are often told marriage is awful. Men are just going to oppress you blah, blah, blah, we’ve been sold a bill of goods, there are a lot of benefits to being married there. Married people live longer, they report higher levels of happiness, it is not oppression, men are not out to get you. And there’s not something wrong with you, if you want to stay home, raise your kids and be financially dependent on a man, that does not make you weak, it does not make you a loser, it does not mean you’re wasting your intelligence, or you’re wasting your education.

So don’t listen to the women who say that, who said that maybe 10 1520 years ago, they’re the same women who are now at home alone. And they’re bitter because life sold them a bill of goods, I don’t want this to be a negative video. But I do want to kind of light a fire under your butt. If you’re a young woman, and you’re maybe in your 20s. And you’re wanting to experience life, and all the fun and enjoyment it can offer. Yeah, that’s great, do it. But at the same time, keep in the back of your mind, date, as much as you can,  find out what kind of man you like, find out the kind of man you’re looking for. And if you find a guy who’s a good, normal quality guy that you like, and he wants to get married, marry him, don’t put your career ahead of it, don’t worry, and go, Oh, well, if I marry him, I’m going to have to move and maybe that’ll mess up my education, there is no shame in switching a job or switching your college and finishing your degree after you get married, if his career takes him to the other side of the country. And he proposes and says, look, y we’ve been dating for a year, let’s get married, I got this new job on the other side of the country, come with me,  let’s make a life together. 

There’s no shame in agreeing to it. maybe it’s coming a little faster than you’re ready for. But if you get the opportunity, take it, you may not get another opportunity like that later, good. Men don’t grow on trees. So again, I just want to emphasize, because a lot of women are hearing the opposite. And a lot of people will tell you, Oh, don’t move for a guy. Don’t put your career on hold for motherhood? Don’t do that. You know what? Maybe instead of getting serious with that guy, why don’t you just go travel? Like, yeah, you just made me sound great. But, why don’t you travel, spend three months somewhere else? No, maybe you should stay in town so you can get to know that guy. And then later when you’re older, you can travel, again, I’m not saying don’t travel, don’t have a career, don’t get educated, whatever. But what I am saying is, don’t automatically assume that those things have to take priority over love and potential, you are potentially getting married and starting a family. If you find a good guy who wants to get married and settle down.

Regardless of how old you are. Consider it seriously, consider it again. Make sure that you know you’re in a healthy position. If you really genuinely don’t feel called to marry this guy, maybe you’re not attracted to them. Maybe you had a very abusive family and you still really truly know in your heart that you’re not over the trauma yet because trauma can often be used as an excuse, as I mentioned earlier, sometimes we can use that as an excuse to just endlessly find ourselves and never settle down. So in your heart of hearts, whether it’s an excuse or not, but if you’ve met a great guy, and he wants to settle down, and you want to settle down too, but you feel a little like, guilty about it, you’re like, maybe we’re too young. I mean, he’s 28. And I’m 26, like, ooh, you’re not too young, in your 20s is the best time to settle down and start a family. So really make that a goal. These other things in life, you can always travel, you can always have adventures, but you can’t always settle down and start a family. So please, I implore you to take your relationship seriously. Don’t be afraid to put your career on hold, or move for a guy,  or quit your job to start a family. Don’t be afraid of those things. Because having a family and children and your spouse and relationships, that’s what really gives people fulfillment in life, when you’re an old lady, and you look back on it, , always think, when I’m 80, how am I going to feel about this decision? nobody on their deathbed talks about like, well, I wish I had, not married. Well, what I’m saying is, you’ve heard the cliche, nobody on their deathbed says, I wish I worked more hours in the office. Nobody says they’re like, I wish I spent more time with my kids. I wish I had more children.

A lot of women, I think on their deathbed, our generation millennials, I think a lot of us women on our deathbed, in 3040 years, I think we’re going to start hearing deathbed regrets of, I wish I had married that guy I met in my 20s or I wish I had had more children, or I wish I had married, you know, I wish I hadn’t slept around so much. And instead focused on finding one man and getting married and committing, I think we’re going to start hearing a lot of regrets. We’re all still young enough to kind of do something about if you’re in your 30s  if you’re watching this, and you’re kind of panicking, when you’re in your 30s, you’re still young enough to do something about it, So get out there date, do something about it, try to find a good guy. Again, this is you settling down with someone finding Mr. Right, that’s not a process you can control. However, you need to be making an effort for it, you need to do what you can to take yourself, seriously, take your future seriously. And people talk about self-care. Finding a life partner for you to spend your 60s and 70s with is one of the highest forms of self-care you can do. Setting yourself up to avoid loneliness and your old age, loneliness and regret and bitterness, setting yourself up to avoid that by focusing on finding someone now, and making the leap to tie the knot when you do find them, even though it’s scary and risky. Doing that I feel is like the highest form of self-care you can do.

So anyway, I know I’m kind of passionate about this. But again, this is a serious topic. And I just, I don’t think girls are getting good advice about it, we are all being told the opposite. And we are being led down a path that is going to be very, very damaging. And for some of us, it will ruin our lives if we follow what society teaches about this. So please, again, it’s your life, you can do what you want. But I implore you to take your relationship seriously. And don’t put career or education or travel above them. Think about what you want out of life. What do you want? And I know a lot of us when we’re young, we want certain things out of life. But when you’re an old woman, what will you want out of life then how will you have wished you spent your 20s so food for thought. I know this is a hot topic. This can be a very scary topic. If you have any questions or comments, please leave a comment below. I’m happy to talk about it further. But yeah, so that’s that feel free to subscribe if this is interesting, subscribe, hit the little bell you’ll get notifications and I will see you next time.