Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about how to overcome low self-esteem. I have three ways three things that are gonna help you do that if I sound a little congested, I had a cold, so hopefully, that doesn’t carry through on the microphone. But anyway, alright, we’ll get right into it.

So the number one thing to heal your self-esteem, the top three ways because self-esteem is super important, it’s kind of the foundation of how you treat and how you let them treat you how you treat people in life, self-esteem is pretty important. So it’s important to have a positive mood in general, I think what we call low self-esteem is often just maybe being a little depressed, but this is how to overcome that.

HEAL YOUR TRAUMAS

So number one, heal your traumas. Okay, everybody has bad things that happen to them. We all have parents that fell short, teachers that fell short, maybe we were bullied a lot as a kid, maybe we had worse things than what happened to us. So we’ve all gone through something. And it’s important to kind of get a grip on that when you have low self-esteem and you’re insecure about something, it’s important to sit down and think about what exactly is it that you’re insecure about? Is that your look? Is it your weight? Is that what you think? Are you insecure about your friends? Are you worried? Maybe they think you’re boring, and they’re all hanging out? Without you? Are you insecure with boys? Are you afraid? Nobody’s gonna find you attractive? Are you worried you have a boring personality? And they won’t like you, so just kind of sit down and ask yourself, like, What exactly am I insecure about? And sometimes you can figure that out by what have you maybe did you have some sort of emotional outbursts, like, what was something recent that like, hit a nerve, sometimes that can help.

But usually, most of the time what you’re insecure about. So just kind of sit down and think about that. And then once you know that, what you want to do is you want to sit down, you want to kind of journal about it. And what you want to go for is you want to try and think back to what incident may have triggered and started this insecurity. So, maybe you’ve always been insecure about your looks, even though you’re a pretty girl. And maybe it was because in fourth grade, some little boy, you had a crush on set in front of the whole class, like, Oh, I think so it sounds ugly, like, some stupid that as kids do. But maybe it really stuck with you. And deep down, you’ve always believed that.

So what you want to do is try to figure out, what was that incident really started this insecurity. And then also, maybe it was a string of incidents, maybe the thing was a little boy would have been fine. If you didn’t then go home, and your mom laughed at the story and said, Yeah, you do need a little work, or maybe your dad or something. So maybe it was like a collection of incidents that kind of combined to make it into what it is today, get a journal when it’s private to you, you can get some of them that have little locks on them. If you got nosy siblings or whatever, or roommates, but get a little journal, it’s just for you, you don’t show it to anybody else. I harp on this in this channel all the time. But man journaling is the bomb.

So anyway, you want to journal, you want to write down these incidents. And I have a very specific reason for telling you to do that. You are not going just for emotional catharsis, writing this down, as you describe what happened, maybe you will cry a little bit, that’s fine. But it’s not just the emotional catharsis. That’s important. It’s the understanding, you need to understand what happened. So that in your mind you have to write out exactly what happened. So that you can then look back at that page and read through it. Once you’re done, as we all do, whenever you write something, naturally we’ll once we get it all out, then we kind of go back and we reread it. And that second rereading after you just kind of like word vomit in just like dumped everything on the page, going back and reading it again.

You’re in a more critical thinking, rational frame of mind at first, you’re just emotionally you’re just like, dump everything on the paper and that’s fine. That’s good. You want to do that. And you want to write it in great detail, who was there? When did it happen? What did the scene look like, using the examples of a little boy, you would say it’s who what, where, when? Maybe not why we’re not going to get into why but who, what, where, when, and how. So, it was sixth grade, I was in Mrs. So and so’s, history class. I was sitting three,  three seats behind Little Billy. And I had a big crush on him. And, you want to write out why it was important to you. I had a big crush on him, I thought he was wonderful. He always gave me an apple at lunch, he gave me his chocolate milk. And I thought, whatever it is. And so you write it out in a bunch of details, the, you can even go into like, well, the desks were blue, and they didn’t, and the more detailed you get, because sometimes when you first write things, you’re like, Well, I’m not very emotional, my feelings aren’t engaged.

But the more detailed you get, you will find yourself putting yourself back in that place. And then yeah, the emotions will come. But you want to write out in detail what happened so that when you reread it, you can get perspective on it as an adult, you’re going to reread what you wrote. And then you’re going to go oh, well, he only said that, because his friend was daring him to, I saw his friend pokum and whisper in his ear. And I heard him tell him what to say. And that’s why he said that I never really realized that. But now that I’ve sat down and carefully relived what actually happened, that’s a detail I always forgot. And oh, that’s why he did it. It wasn’t that I was ugly. It’s that he was stupid, and he was listening to his friend. And then that gives you perspective, and you’re able to process it, let go of that insecurity. Because now your mind rationally understands what happened. insecurities are often because we don’t get in this loop, we don’t understand what happened. And our mind knows instinctively that there’s more truth there that we have to get to. And that’s why it keeps kind of bringing it back up again. And again. So yeah, that’s, that’s a big one. You want to like process your traumas process, the things that may be caused that insecurity, because you can sit there and tell yourself, affirmations all you want, but your mind’s not going to believe it until you get to the heart of like, what happened to cause you to be insecure.

STOP HANGING AROUND JERKS

So anyways, number two, stop hanging around jerks. So our view of ourselves is heavily influenced by those we hang around with, yes, self-esteem is an inside job. Yes, whatever. It’s important how we think of ourselves, yada, yada, but part of our self-esteem does come from we’re social creatures. We’re primal, tribal, human beings, at a very basic, biological level, we were designed to live in a tribe with other people. And so, psychologically we’re hardwired to care what people think about us to a certain extent, because think about it, maybe back in like, the saber tooth days, if you went hunting, or if you went gathering roots with the other women of the tribe, and you and they all thought you were weird because you were going to eat this one route that nobody knew what it was. But you were like, Yeah, this is cool. I’m gonna eat it. And everybody’s like, Oh, I think that’s weird. Well, I might have saved your life, that route could have been poisonous. And you being Miss adventurous with it. Maybe in that case, it was smart to listen, and care what people thought of you. So caring what people think of us. It’s not always bad. It’s just you want it to be moderated.

You don’t want it to be excessive, but because it is normal for us to care what people think of us. That’s why it’s super important to get away from people who are negative and who don’t really like you, if you have a frenemy, who’s constantly cutting you down, about your looks, or she’s making snide comments about your weight, or Oh, wow, you finally got a date, don’t be around people like that, because it’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re around people who kind of like, snippet you and cut you down.

Don’t be around people like that. Because of that steady, little message they’re sending, you’ll eventually believe it, so don’t be around people like that, choose your friends wisely. Not everybody maybe likes the same music as you or is in the same dorm as you or the same class or the same major. Not everybody you run into in life has your best interests at heart. Not everybody is going to make a good friend, a good friend, a true friend is valuable, and they’re hard to come by. So be careful who you let into your life because they will have an impact on how you view yourself for better or worse. And then the quick thing is when you’re choosing a friend and you’re like, Well, how do I know who’s a good friend, a true friend is going to be happy for you when good things happen for you, even if they’re not going to benefit from it. If you’re like, I just won the lottery, and they’re like, great, you’re gonna take us out to a party every weekend, right? And then you’re like, yeah, and then they’re happy for you. That’s suspicious, you know? Now that’s a very exaggerated example.

But that’s what I mean. If you have something good happen to you, and your friend isn’t necessarily going to benefit from it, but she’s still happy for you in a sincere way. That’s great. But the other thing too is this friend, because we all have Fairweather Friends, friends who are there when the times are good, but then when times are rough, they’re nowhere to be found. Then we also have the opposite of what I call foul-weather friends, where they’re only around when something bad happens like you break up with a guy and you can cry on their shoulder. But then as soon as you get a new boyfriend, and he’s treating you well, they’re like snippy, negative, they always have something bad to say about him. It’s almost like they want you to be in that negative state. And then they like, feel comfortable, and they’ll support you and sympathize. But as soon as something good happens, then they don’t want to be around you as much. That’s bad, too.

So you want someone who’s a balance of both, it says in the Bible, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, you want a friend like that, you want somebody who, when something bad happens to you, they’re genuinely sincerely sad for you. Like, they’re actually like, sad. And they want you, they support you, they want you to feel better. And then when you do feel better, and you do have good things happening again, in your life, they’re also sincerely happy for you. So they have a balance of both, that is a true friend. And it’s really hard to find, because it’s easy to find someone who’s willing to rejoice with you when you’re rejoicing, but they don’t want the sad stuff, or vice versa, they’ll sympathize, but they don’t want the happy stuff, because maybe they’re secretly jealous of you. And, when something bad happens, they’re kind of more comfortable with it, because in their mind, well, she’s too pretty, or she always had too much male attention. So it’s good to see something finally happened to her. So get somebody who can do both and they’re out there, good friends are there, pray, pray for a good friend, ask God to send you a good friend, he’s happy to do that. And, he’ll help you navigate this and find a good person.

DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF

So anyways, number three, do things that make you proud of yourself, that’s the third way to raise your self-esteem, do things that you think are challenging, but yet are worth the effort. A lot of times, like in work or whatever, there’ll be maybe some big project or some,or at school that your teacher encourages you to take on some new thing or a new job or something, somebody in your life encourages you to take on a new challenge. Now, this is where it gets tricky. The things that will build your self-esteem are the challenges that when you hear about them, you independently of that person, you want to do it, you think, wow, that would be really cool, like day, or the opposite of that is when they tell you about it, and you’re like, Oh, well, I guess it would make them happy. If I did that, or like at work, oh, well, I might get fired. If I don’t do this extra project. Those are not the things that are going to build your self-esteem, they’re going to tear it down. Because then you’re going to go, Oh, I didn’t value myself enough to say no to something I knew I didn’t want to do. So you have to be very careful. Don’t misunderstand what I mean, here. I’m talking about challenges that you deep down authentically think are interesting and cool. And they’re kind of like stretch goals, things that you would like to do.

And they make you feel better about yourself, once you accomplish them, you’re like, wow, I wasn’t sure if I could do that. But I pulled it off. And now like, wow, I learned something about myself, things like that are really important. As an example of that, I’ve always been into computers. And, when I left the convent, I was at a crossroads in life. And I didn’t know what to do with my career, I had to earn money, but I didn’t have a degree. And I did like computers, and I wanted to leverage that somehow, in my family. I grew up in the backyard, Silicon Valley was like, just down the freeway, 30-40 minutes, I think it’s longer with traffic, I think it’s more like an hour, hour and a half for traffic. But you get what I mean, I grew up really close to Silicon Valley. When I got back to the convent, or got back from the combat, I was like, Oh, I think it would be really cool to get a job in Silicon Valley and see if I can pull it off, can I hang out with these people? It’s very competitive. Can I do this, this was coming from a sincere place inside of me, I was like, this would really challenge me, it would take my computer skills up to the next level of I could learn to write code, I could learn Linux, things like that. And, I wanted to see if I could pull it off.

And so, I got jobs I studied. First I had to study Linux and coding and all that on my own. And then, I got hired into a job for DevOps. And, I learned how to write code, I learned how to configure servers and everything. And I really enjoyed it, because it was a challenge I had taken on just because I wanted to, I was like, I want to see if I can pull this off, and so after a few years of that, I learned how to do it, I like mastered it, I guess as much as you can. But yeah, at that point, when I realized, like, oh, I learned it, I mastered this, I got it, I felt really good about myself like that experience did build my self-esteem. And it taught me a good work ethic because I had to really persevere learning these things for months and months. And it was hard. And there are a lot of times when I wasn’t sure I could do it. But once it was all done, like, I did it, and I felt proud of myself in a good healthy way. And that’s what I want for you. That’s what I mean, it doesn’t have to be like computers or coding, maybe you’ve always wanted to learn how to sew, maybe you’ve always wanted to cook flaming yawn, or a souffle, maybe you’ve always really liked French cooking, and you’re like, oh, it’s hard, but it would be really cool, do that, do that overcoming challenges that you set up for yourself, are big drivers of higher self-esteem. But they have to be stuff you genuinely want to do, don’t let somebody else pick your challenging thing for you.

But, those are, as long as it’s what you want, then that’s good. The other thing though, to be aware of is don’t do the flip side of this, is don’t do things that make you ashamed of yourself, that will do the opposite, that’ll tear down her self esteem. So, if you’re gossiping a lot, if you’re sleeping around a lot of guys, maybe you cheated on your boyfriend or something, maybe you spread rumors about a girl in school that you don’t like, maybe have a problem with revenge, maybe you’re vindictive, and when somebody says something to you, you got to get in and a little quit there, to get him back, things like that.

Make us not be proud of ourselves, and you know, you’ll know, when you get up the next morning, and you look in the mirror, you’re going to know, like, I shouldn’t have done that thing, it doesn’t feel good, you’re going to be like, Oh, I don’t feel good that I did that, and if you keep doing those things, then they’re going to pile up and you’re going to have a lower opinion of yourself, because you’re going to know Secretly, I do these bad things, I do these things that I’m not proud of myself for you know, and so that’s, that’s a really important part of self-esteem that doesn’t get talked about in pop psychology. We’re all about like, positive affirmations and everything. But we don’t talk about our vices, our little our faults or vices, drinking drugs, sleeping around, gossiping, harming others, tearing down girls reputations, maybe spending too much money, then you should, maybe you have a problem binge eating, I’m not talking about like, oh, I messed up, I hate cake. It’s okay to have cake. And every once in a while, I’m super like, into a healthy person. But it’s okay to have a little bit of cake here and there. That’s not what I’m talking about. But I mean, yeah, if you’re eating tons of junk food, and you’re just like, gorging yourself like you’re not going to feel good about yourself. So it’s important to avoid things that make you feel ashamed of yourself because that will tear down your self-esteem. So anyway, that is that.

I hope that was helpful. If you have any questions or comments, let me know below. I’m also moving this channel, we’re going to start getting onto some of the old tech platforms. So we’re on rumble right now. So if you want to watch this somewhere other than YouTube, you’re welcome to do that on YouTube or Tik Tok wherever you’re seeing this. So yeah, pretty soon there’ll be more places to watch this just in case the bailing algorithms get unhappy. So anyway, but yeah, if you have a question or comment, let me know, and hope you have a great day.