Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, we’re going to talk about how to find the man of your dreams or just one that you like.

Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. Happy Thomistic Tuesday or whenever you’re watching this. So recently I posted a video about what do women bring to the table? Meaning what do women bring to a relationship? And somebody posted a comment, you know who you are. Asking about How would women handle the issue of finding someone they like. So in the video, I use the example of let’s say, you’re young, you’re in your 20s, you’re feminine, you’re pretty, you know how to cook and clean. So you have everything going for you and you have a lot of men that are interested in you. But how do you find somebody that you like? And how do you make sure that you make a choice that you’re happy with? So that is what this video is going to be about. There are a lot of videos when it comes to the topic of how to find the man of your dreams, or how to find someone you like people do talk a lot about literally how to find them, like where to go. So we’re not going to talk too much about that. I’ll say a little bit about it briefly.

But I want to bring up a few points to consider that will help flesh out your strategy, so to speak, because it is a strategy, you do need to have somewhat of a strategy. So yeah, and I’ve got about six points. So I’ll try to go through them quickly. And I’ll try not to ramble and make this long, I’ll try to be concise.

FIRST: DO A DISCLAIMER

The first thing I want to cover is that we have to do a disclaimer, whenever we talk about finding someone you like, then we have to talk about how mysterious attraction is, it’s always going to be mysterious, we don’t fully understand what attracts us to someone, I can rattle off a list of things. And I’m going to say in this video what I think drives the attraction. But at the end of the day, we don’t know and we never really fully will know. So, just know that it’s not a process you can completely control.

SECOND: IT’S ABOUT CONTRAST

So Second thing, what we do know, or at least in my opinion, what I think we know is that it’s about contrast, and specifically contrast in the gender roles. You need someone manly, and you need someone girly. And the manliness and the girliness needs to be sufficiently developed to where it’s noticeable to the other person. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be the girl being girly. And the guy being manly, we see this in same-sex couples, we see this in where it’s flip-flopped, maybe you’ll get a very gentle artistic guy. And he gets with this very driven goal-oriented woman. in any kind of sexual romantic relationship, there has to be a masculine person who has that masculine energy, and then a more feminine person who has more feminine energy. And when the two people involved, when there’s that polarity, that contrast, then a relationship, takes place, and it’s literally like the glue that kind of holds us together. And I think that’s part of why it is so difficult for us to find people we’re attracted to nowadays, is because we have such an androgynous society that we’ve played down the differences. And now that spark just isn’t there.

So again, contrast, again, it’s a mysterious process, but contrast is kind of what’s driving it. So having said that, let’s say you’re a woman and you want to find the guy of your dreams, what do you want to think about first, the first thing is mindset. You do have to take this seriously, I made a video previously called take your relationship seriously. And that’s what I’m talking about here. You cannot float through life and expect to have somebody amazing, just drop into your lap. Maybe that happened back in the day, when society was more pro-marriage, then you could do that, you could go to college and end up finding someone or you could go to work and end up finding someone. And it would just kind of happen without you trying. And while there are many women that that does happen for and many of you watching this, maybe that will work out that way for you. However, I wouldn’t count on that. Serendipity is not a powerful factor as it is because as I mentioned earlier, we have such a force in society that is just really, really trying to keep everybody single, like I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but we have a society that doesn’t care whether you get married. people are constantly, as soon as you get a new boyfriend, I’m sure you’re always going to have that and or that friend that wants to point out to you, well, he might cheat or, you better be careful divorces or for guys, I think guys hear this especially a lot Oh, well, she’ll divorce you and take all your money. There’s always a horror story.

We have gotten so far off from valuing marriage and valuing morality and the things that lead to happy marriages, that naturally there’s a lot of unhappy marriages. And, we always hear horror stories. So the first thing is, you got to get your mindset in place, and you have to decide for yourself, I’m getting married, this is going to happen for me, you don’t want to kind of talk yourself out of it. I think that’s another thing. It’s good to be married. As I said, there’s a lot of horror stories, people are quite happy to tell you, a lot of times that people who are involved in those horror stories contributed to their mess, and they don’t want to admit it, it’s often the case, there’s two, it takes two to tango. But again, ultimately, marriage is a good thing. God wants you to get married, in the Garden of Eden, when he created Adam and Eve, that is one of the first things he set up for human beings. He made light, then he made animals and he made man all that. But, as soon as Adam and Eve were on Earth, boom, he was like, okay, Be fruitful and multiply. So marriage is a good thing, God didn’t waste any time setting that up. So don’t feel bad about it, don’t feel like you don’t deserve it, get your mindset, right. Just be like, this is a good thing. I deserve to be married, marriage is a good thing. And also have confidence in yourself, I will make a good choice because I think especially with us women, people can get very protective of us, our authority, our parents or teachers, things like that. I think people can be very overprotective sometimes, and they can kind of react as if like, oh, you’re not going to make a good choice. so have confidence in yourself, be like, I will make a good choice. And I’m going to get married, I’m going to find the right guy, I will make a good choice. So that’s the first thing.

3RD: WEED THROUGH A LOT OF MEN

The second thing, you’re going to have to weed through a lot of men especially when, if you’re young, and you’re pretty you’re gonna have a lot of men that are lining up. And you can’t blame them, a woman has a lot of benefits to a man. And a lot of guys, they would love to have that benefit, but they aren’t necessarily worthy of it. There’s a lot of men that are quite happy to waste your time. They’re not sure they want to be married, but yet they’re sure they want all the attention of women, so yeah, you’re gonna have to, you’d have to screen them, are they emotionally healthy? Do they have vices? Are they into porn? Are they addicted to drugs or alcohol? You’re gonna have to weed through a lot of men. And the thing is you have to be a little selfish about it. Have you ever looked at those women who’ve been married? like two or three times? It’s like, how did they do that? You’re like, I can’t even get married once. And these women are out here on their third wedding. It’s because these women are very ruthless about weeding through men, they don’t put up with any crap. If they discover that a guy’s not going to be worth their time, boom, they’re on to the next one. I think a lot of us women, we tend to feel sorry for men, we tend to be patient, we give them too many chances, we spend too much time in a kind of dead-end relationship. And if you want to get married, and you want to find someone you like, you’re going to have to cycle through a lot of men, when you’re like online dating or when you’re dating in real life. Go on dates, ask questions, and think about, again, finding a partner is an act of self-interest. You have to think about what’s best for the other person, I’m not saying be selfish. But at the end of the day, you want to find a man who’s gonna make your life better, who will be a good spouse, who will be a good father, for your children. And if the idea of it being about self-interest is maybe too much of a turn off for you, then you don’t want to necessarily do it for yourself, do it for your future kids, find a good guy that you will be proud of when your children grow up, and they get old enough to have an opinion on their parents’ marriage because we all come to that point. We grow up, we look at the person our parents married, we look at the woman or dad married or we look at the man or mom married. And once we become adults, we have opinions on that and so you want to marry somebody that you can be proud of. When your children grow up, you don’t want them to ask you like, Why him Mom, you don’t want that. So if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids, think of that.

FOURTH: PICK GUYS WHO ALREADY WANT TO GET MARRIED

But again, another thing, pick guys who already want to get married, that’s going to save you so much time. And as a woman, we don’t have time, we have a finite window of youth and a finite window of fit fertility.

So, we don’t want to waste time, guys can waste time, whatever, we don’t want to waste time. So you want to pick from among the pool of men that already want to be married. So when you’re on a date with a guy you don’t want to ask him like, do you want to marry me? Like? That’s not a good question. But you do want to kind of suss out whether these this is somebody serious about getting married, and preferably soon, if a guy tells you like, Oh, yeah, I want to get married, but not for three years, okay, then that’s somebody who may very well waste three years of your youth. And he may change his mind at the end of that, you never know. When you’re on dates with these guys, a good question to ask is, how important is it to you that your next relationship ended in marriage? It’s a nice, open-ended question. You’re not necessarily asking do you want to marry me, but you want to find out in general, has this guy on his own, independently decided he wants to be married, has he identified that marriage is a goal he wants to pursue, or it’s something that’s going to have the benefit to his life. This is the thing that I think is different between men and women, men get married, not when they meet the love of their life, they get married, when they’re ready to get married, and they find a woman they love, there’s a subtle difference there. They don’t marry the love of their life, they marry when they are ready to get married, and they find a woman they love, then they get married to men, it’s about timing. us women, we’re so relationship-oriented, we’re naturally oriented toward marriage and motherhood and children, that we’re always ready to get married, in a certain sense, emotionally, we’re always ready to get married.

So for us, when we find the love of our life, great, let’s get married. It’s not like that way, guys. So again, when you’re weeding through these men, find the ones that already want to be married. And that’s gonna save you so much time if a guy’s not sure he wants to get married, or he thinks marriage is just a piece of paper. And it’s optional, don’t even waste time with that kind of man seriously, like, Don’t even waste time with them.

FIFTH: YOU HAVE TO BE NOT DUE TO FIND A MAN

Next one, so you have here’s another thing too. And this goes against the spirit of what I said earlier, but you have to be not due to find a man. What I mean by that is this is cliche, people say like, the man’s the hunter and like the woman is not, I don’t know what the corollary to that is, but they say the man’s the hunter, so don’t chase him. And there is some truth to that. And so when, as women were, like, I want to find like the man of my dreams, then it’s like, we can tend to get very masculine, we can get into a masculine frame of mind. And we can get very kind of aggressive about it, we’re like, Okay, I’m gonna go to this bar, I’m going to go to this place, I’m going to go here, I’m going to go there, I’m going to look around, I’m going to see who approaches me…like you can tell we got a goal and it kind of stresses us out. And that’s putting us in that masculine frame of mind and it’s reducing that contrast.

Again, we want to keep contrast in place. And so as a woman, it’s better to be feminine and then be visible than to go out and try to actively find him. You have to just put yourself in the best possible situation so be feminine, have a certain gentleness, a certain softness work on your parents, men are very into looks, one of the prime things they want is a woman who they like looking at. And again, we women tend to be very perfectionistic about beauty. Men are not as picky as we are. So if you’re like, oh, I’m not beautiful. I’m not a model like that’s okay. You don’t have to be a model. Just smile, be cheerful, be happy men find that very beautiful. And so yeah, just be feminine, and then be visible. So put yourself in a situation where you’re likely to meet men, if this is where some of the traditional advice about this where to meet men can come in handy, go to these places, but again, Stay in a feminine mindset, you’re just going there to be visible, you’re just putting yourself in their path. And then, if this guy likes you, he’ll come and make that known, but again, online dating is always a good one friend group is another one, it’s always best to date somebody who is a mutual friend,  who’s kind of known because then you kind of know his reputation. That’s one of the risks about online dating like you don’t know his family, you don’t know his reputation, like you don’t know his history. So that can be hard, you can try very risky work and also, because most of us women have to be in such a masculine frame of mind at work, it can be hard to shift out of that, not just for us, like personally, like getting back into a feminine mindset.

But it can be hard for the man to see us as a feminine woman like men get their mind made up, they see you at work, and they see you being very masculine. And you can often attract the more like, kind of feminine men, like the softer, I don’t want to say feminine, but kind of because they see you in your masculine role, and it creates that polarity. And then you attract someone more on the feminine side, which isn’t usually what you want. If you’re watching this, I’m guessing you’re probably more on the traditional feminine side. And so you want a very masculine guy, so yeah, that’s, that’s one of the risks about getting with people at work.

Now, if you have a very feminine job like you’re in nursing or something, but even nursing, nurses are so overworked nowadays that they put you in a very masculine frame of mind, because they just work the nurses so hard. But again, work can be a little risky, maybe find conservative places regardless of your politics, a lot of men who are more traditionally masculine, they tend to be on the conservative side of things. So maybe look in like patriot groups, or like gun rights groups, things like that. You can find guys there. But again, it’s one of those things.

SIXTH: DON’T GET DISCOURAGED

The last and final step is, I think, it’s don’t get discouraged. While you’re out here, you’re going to these places, you can find guys at church, that’s always a good one. But don’t get discouraged. That’s the next, the last step of this that I wanted to mention. It can be very discouraging because this is a process, you’re going to be feminine, you’re going to put yourself in a spot where you’re going to run into men, you want to put yourself in a situation where maybe you need their help somehow because that always brings out the best in men. And when I say the best that brings out the side of them, that’s the most attractive part of the reason we’re not, it can be hard to find a man you like, is because maybe you’re not seeing the best side of the menu around.

And what I mean is I’ll use the example of Superman and Clark Kent. So Lois Lane was Superman’s girlfriend. And as the story goes, she worked with Superman when he was Clark Kent. And so but she never liked him as Clark Kent. She was like, Oh, he’s just my boring coworker, you know? Well, that’s because she was only seeing one side of him. But then she saw his heroic side when she needed his help, and he had to like savor when she was like doing a story, and she got into trouble. She got to see that more masculine side of him. And then it created that polarity, that contrast, and that she was attracted to them. Well, she didn’t need him to save her at work. And so Clark Kent was never that attractive. And so that’s why I’m saying when you’re feminine, and you want to be in a place where men are, you also want to be in situations where maybe you need a guy’s help, somehow, that can also bring out a side of men that is very attractive, and men like that. I think that’s one of the biggest problems with feminism. It convinces women that we’re a burden, and we’re annoyed when we like, needing men’s help. It’s not. most men find it very enjoyable to help a woman, as long as you’re appreciative. And you sincerely need help. if you’re just doing it as a gimmick, then you know, that’s not cool. I think sometimes… my aunt once told me I was like, I was talking about going to Harvard, she’s like, drop your purse outside the men’s bathroom and see who picks it up. And I was like, that’s kind of gimmicky. So you know, things like that that are gimmicky or kind of like weird, but if you have a broken-down car on the side of the road, maybe stand outside your car and see if some guy pulls over and helps you. if you don’t have triple-A, and you’re genuinely in a bad situation, see what happens. guys love to help if it’s a real true situation. You do need their help, there’s no shame in asking, and that can bring out that side of a man that is very masculine and very attractive. So that’s also another factor to consider.

But again, I’m kind of rambling off a little bit. But the final thing is don’t get discouraged. This is a process. Like I said earlier, God wants you to get married this whole business, I know, there is a discussion, especially among Catholics about whether there’s a calling to the single state, this is controversial. And if your parish priest has told you different than, like, we’ll go with what the parish priest said, Fine, I respect that. But in my humble opinion, I think the calling to the single life is a cop-out, I don’t think there’s a calling to the single life. That is something that has happened in the last few decades, throughout all of the church’s history that was not seen as a thing, so if you sit here and you’re like, well, maybe I should just give up and assume that I’m called to the single life, I don’t think there’s a calling to the single life. 80% of people are called to either the community of the family or the community of religious life.

So if you are still single, hang in there, God sees you. He understands that. And I had a friend who said something, and I thought it was very wise like she was married. And we were on the subject, you know it was like, Why is it taking so long for Mr. Right to show up kind of thing. And this was a few years ago when I was talking to her about this. And she said something I’ll never forget. She said, God will allow you to be single until it threatens your salvation. So what she was meaning was, God is going to leave you single, until it becomes a threat to your salvation. And what that means is, I don’t mean that you need to, like start getting yourself into trouble. You know, what I mean? In multiple ways to try and force God’s hand, that’s not what I’m saying, No, because God will not be mocked, you can’t manipulate him, he’s going to do what he does, regardless of what you think. But God knows, we know what you need to get to heaven. You know, that’s the whole reason we’re here on earth is to find our way back to God. And so, he is going to set up your life so that you have the optimal chance to go to heaven. And if being single, you’re going if you’re meant to be married, which most of us are, okay, so like, Don’t overthink it. If you’re not feeling called to be a nun, you’re probably meant to be married. So don’t stress about it. But I’m going to assume for the sake of this video that you’re meant to be married. And so since you’re meant to be married, that means there’s a man out there that you need to meet up with and marry for your life, to not only go well but in order for you to go to heaven.

Now, this is a debate, you know, can you miss your vacation? Yes, you can. And so go to having Yes, you can. But the point she was making was, God knows when being single is going to hurt you. And so he’ll bring somebody into your life at that point. And so it was just comforting because it kind of reminded me like, hey, God’s in control here. He is watching for the exact moment to bring that person into your life. So it’s just something that I always found comforting. I don’t know, because I thought it was a very wise answer to this question of like, why am I still single? So anyway, I don’t know if I’ve answered the question in the spirit in which it was asked. So Jacinta, I hope this is helpful. But anyway, those are my thoughts, and thanks for the question. And yeah, so if you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below and I will see you guys later.