Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, we are going to continue the beauty, truth, and goodness series. And we’re going to be talking about genuinely liking men. Like I don’t know how else to say this. But there is a very strong trend. And it’s been this way, I don’t know if calling it a trend is even accurate, but it’s the fashionable thing to not like men, and to say cynical things about them, and make snide comments, and just basically, in general, show how like independent and self-sufficient and I don’t need a man kind of you are having said that I don’t deny that there are plenty of reasons to be angry at men, there are plenty of specimens of like lousy men to be found, you will have no shortage if you go looking for examples of how men have treated women badly. So I’m not saying that we sweep things under the rug. And we pretend that every man is wonderful, because yeah, clearly, some of them aren’t. And it would not be safe or realistic to ignore that fact. However, while there are bad men in the world, there are also plenty of good men. And the problem is that in our society, it’s become the thing to do to ignore the good men and just focus on the bad ones. And this has very detrimental effects on your love life, because we know in psychology, that there is what’s known as an observational bias. So basically, whatever you are expecting to observe is what you’re going to pick up on. And I’m going to play a clip here that’s going to illustrate what I’m talking about. So in this clip, I would like you to watch the basketball. And watch where it gets passed.

This is a test of selective attention. Count how many times the player is wearing white pass the basketball? How many passes? Did you count? The correct answer is 15 passes. Did you notice the gorilla? There was a gorilla.

Now that you watch that clip, did you see the monkey come out? The guy in the monkey costume? I can almost bet you didn’t, right. That’s what this was a study that was done. And it’s an example of this observational bias. You were so busy looking for the basketball, you didn’t even notice the guy in the monkey costume that just walked right across, right? That’s normal. Most people are like that. There’s also it’s another fancy psychological word. But I think it’s called the reticular Activation System, which is basically the part of our brain that will see what you’re looking for. And this is illustrated in that clip, you were so busy looking for the basketball that that system in your brain completely ignored any stimuli. That was not the basketball. And there are lots of reasons why our brains are like that.

But in general, just know that they are and that that is very relevant to what we’re talking about in this video. Because if you are going to believe that men are bad, saying that men are bad is like focusing on the basketball, you will only see the bad men, the good a good man could walk right across your life and you won’t even notice just like you didn’t notice the guy in the monkey suit, you will not notice a good guy. And that’s why it is so important to have a balanced attitude about men. Again, I am not saying that men are perfect. I am not saying that, you don’t need to protect yourself sometimes. But in general, there are good men out there and you are not going to find one of them if you are only expecting things to go badly. And so that is really important. And one of the other reasons it’s so important not just as far as like I mean, it literally breaks your picker. How people talk about like, Oh, you keep having trouble in your relationship. Oh, well, your picker is broken, or Oh, you had a rough childhood like you’re, you’re damaged and you don’t know how to pick a good one. Like, has anybody ever told you that? Like, it’s kind of mean to say that, because then it’s like, oh, well, but then how do I fix it? I don’t know, like that the people who say that never have a solution.

So I don’t like that, but it is relevant to what we’re talking about here. So having said that, though, the other reason why this is important is that you will kind of repel good men, no, a good man wants to sit and have dinner with a girl who is going to sit there and be like, well, I don’t need a man or I can I have my own money, or I have all this education. Like I value myself if you’re going to sit there and insist on how valuable you are and how you deserve better and blah, blah, blah. While that is true, you definitely deserve a good man, you definitely must have let’s say, you watching this, you worked hard to get the masters you worked hard to get promoted, those are all very commendable, good things, nobody’s denigrating that. However, when you are dating, men are not impressed with things that are like achievements, they’re going to be impressed with your personality, and your personality does not matter what you did. It matters how you are.

And that’s why having these cynical comments and saying snide things or saying mean things, I have read online, some very mean comments that girls make about guys. And just think about how that would sound if you were a guy, or let’s think about it when the tables are turned, let’s say you’re on a date with a guy and all he does is complain about women and blah, blah, blah, and all women are this and then they’re hypergamy-ish, and they’re just gonna leave you as soon as they’re going to divorce you and take care of your money. And women are always like that, I know that, well, doesn’t that kind of like, repel you, like, you’re like, Oh, I don’t want to be around that guy. Like, he doesn’t like women, and I’m a woman. So he’s gonna take that out on me, you know? Well, it’s the same thing with men, if you’re going to kind of have that chip on your shoulder and you’re going to see it, you’re going to show it through the things you say, and that is going to put a man off he’s going to pick up on that it’s gonna go oh, this girl doesn’t really like men. And I’m a man so she’s, she’s not gonna like me, I’m probably going to fail here I’m going to fail at making her happy. And then he’s going to not be as interested in that relationship as maybe you want him to be.

And so again, I know that this is the way our society acts as you should act, there’s something about being cynical, especially in like our music and our media, and our movies. It’s almost like we portray the cynical world-weary woman as like, the cool one that knows what’s up and like, nobody’s gonna take advantage of her, that attitude can actually come from there are two different things. One, it can come from fear, maybe deep down, men are scary, they can do a lot of harm, and it is kind of a scary idea to fall in love and let one into your life because yeah, that can go terrible. Maybe some of you are raised by divorced parents, your mom, maybe your father wasn’t good to your mother, or your aunts or something. And so you kind of maybe you just absorb that cynicism, just automatically growing up by what you saw. And, maybe it’s not like, Well, this is what everybody around me is doing. It’s well this is what I saw growing up and I didn’t see any difference. So why should I act differently so that’s something but this attitude doesn’t help. It’s not it’s gonna backfire on you. And so, again, that can come from fear, there can there is a risk it is a very big risk, who you choose, who you love, and who you marry and settle down with is one of the biggest decisions you can make in your life because it has such profound consequences for almost every area of your life.

That’s why I say on this channel, take your relationship seriously, because this is a big deal. But sometimes you can kind of get a little too kind of paralyzed and too afraid of that and I think the important thing we’ve talked about this in other videos, but that’s why it’s important to heal your traumas, journal about it, read self-help books, go to a therapist, really sit down and process like why am I afraid of men? What happened really write it out and kind of analyze like, Why do I feel so cynical about men? Did I learn this from role models in my life? Did I learn this from a mother and older sister? my aunts? Did I learn this from somebody? Or did I experience something that taught me Oh, men are not to be trusted. You need to kind of examine that and ask yourself that on the other hand, sometimes it can come from something else. And again, I include myself in this as well. But in our society, there is a very strong fear of suffering. We don’t want to be uncomfortable. We don’t want to go through anything unpleasant. If we suffer, we act as though something is wrong. Life contains pain. I think the Princess Bride summed it up really well, the guy, what was his name, he was the prince in it. He was like the main guy, but he says, life is pain.

Anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something. And while I think that’s, it’s kind of a sad quote, but in general, like, it’s kind of true., like I said, Catholicism calls this life, a valley of tears. And while many beautiful things happen in life, and there’s much joy and celebration, and love and warmth, and good things in life, there’s always hope. And at the same time, there is a lot of suffering and pain in life. And there isn’t a lot that we can do to avoid it, we’re never going to have a perfect utopia. there will always be limitations about human existence, that we’re always going to be subject to pain and suffering and sickness, and having things not go away sometimes, and disappointments. And that’s the way it is, if you go through a heartbreak or disappointment, it’s not always because you did something wrong, or you’re not good enough. Or maybe you should have read the signs or you didn’t notice the red flags or something. It’s not that sometimes it’s just life. Sometimes we get disappointed sometimes we don’t get what we want.

And that’s just how it is, even God Himself is not loved back. God died on the cross, He loves all of us, He created us because He loves us and He wants us to reciprocate that love to him. But even God Himself is not loved by all of his creatures. So if even God Himself doesn’t get received the love of a certain creature, how do you think you’ll be any different, even God Himself experiences unreciprocated love, we’re not going to be any different we will experience it to the creature is not better than the Creator. So that’s something that I think sometimes we have that fear of suffering that, fear of, of discomfort and risk. And our society all of our like dating advice, and our movies and our music. It’s all geared up to try and control things so that you can minimize that risk. And you can minimize the awkwardness or the discomfort. This is why a lot of guys have trouble making the first move or texting meaningfully. A lot of guys, don’t have trouble texting stupid stuff. But if you really want to move a relationship forward, a lot of men have trouble it’s because of that unwillingness to suffer, they don’t want to get rejected. However, as women on the flip side, we also don’t want to suffer and we will often show that by trying to control the relationship I’m going to have a talk with him about where this is going because it’s uncertain and I feel uncomfortable. And I don’t want to feel that suffering. I don’t mean suffering like you’re starving on the side of the road.

But there is a certain emotional and mental suffering that comes with the uncertainty of a relationship, especially in the beginning. Now obviously, once you’ve been dating someone for a while, you shouldn’t have uncertainty, it should be defined, you should know where you’re at with this guy. But in the beginning, the first few months, maybe you guys are just dating casually, you don’t know if he’s going to call back, each date, you’re not really sure if it’s going to be your last date, for the first few dates, you can you will experience that uncertainty. And as, us women, we can often try to bridge that gap and get away remove that uncertainty by doing things like calling him or like I said, having to talk I’ll delve more into this topic in a later video. But just know that sometimes our cynicism about men, and some of the snide comments we make, not all of us, I’m not saying all of you do that, but I have read some things. And I’ve heard some things that girls say, and women as ladies, but again, sometimes we can overly develop, too much of a shell around our heart because we don’t want to be hurt. And again, it’s important. I’m not saying that attitude is always wrong because I think also nowadays, we don’t teach anybody how to date. We don’t teach them how to choose a man. We don’t teach them how to conduct themselves in a relationship, which is a big reason why I made this channel so watch this channel if you have that problem.

But we don’t teach boys or girls, how to choose a partner how to choose a life partner. And because of that, dating is a lot more painful than it really has to be and, in In an attempt to avoid some of this pain, we can be too cynical throw too much of a shell around our hearts. And that’s not good, that’s not going to help you. So again, you need to, like men try to get rid of the cynicism, don’t say things like, I don’t need a man, if you’re on a date with a guy, don’t tell him like, I don’t need a man, because men to a man, that’s kind of an insult, men view need differently than we do. So it’s you may think, Well, I’m not trying to insult him. No, you’re not. But men interpret that differently than we do what your maybe meaning is one, I’m not going to be a burden, I’m not going to cause any trouble. Well, guys, don’t take it that way. So, don’t say things like I don’t need a man or  I got my own money, or I value myself or I’m worth more bla bla, don’t say things like that. Because if you are high-quality woman, a lady will, she doesn’t need to tell anybody that she’s high value,  it’s obvious from the way she carries herself. And the way she conducts herself. It’s obvious that she values herself it’s obvious she knows she’s worth more, so food for thought something to think about, deep down, if you don’t like men, then that could be affecting, your dating life and how things are going.

So you want to get to the bottom of that. And if you go through and you journal it and you do self-help, and you or you just quietly kind of sit and ask yourself some questions. Maybe deep down, you’re like, Yeah, I don’t like men. I didn’t go through any trauma. My mom and my aunt’s had wonderful relationships, but I just don’t like men. I don’t understand this thing of where everybody wants to pair up. Like, I just don’t like men. I’m perfectly happy without one. And I don’t want one, and I don’t mean, and I don’t mean like you don’t want one because when you’re in your early 20s, like some of you may be like, you know, I don’t really feel like dating right now I want to get married eventually, just not right now. That’s not what I’m talking about, it’s fine to kind of put dating on hold for a little bit. Don’t do it too long. But it’s okay to do it for a bit. However, what I’m talking about is the girl who’s like, dude, I feel like a misfit. But I just, I don’t really want to get married, I don’t want to have kids, I don’t want to get married. I’m perfectly happy doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life, then in that case, you should think about I made a video about the three states of life for women. And if that’s you, you should really think about maybe you’re not meant to be married and that’s totally fine.

Maybe you’re meant to be a nun maybe you’re meant to have some sort of like vocation in the world maybe there’s some contribution in like science or technology or charity work maybe you’re meant to help orphans or something, maybe there’s some work you’re meant to do that being married would get in a way of so it’s food for thought most of you watching this, you will, deep down you do like men, it’s just you’re a little scared of them. I was there. I was scared of men. They’re very scary sometimes. But there is going to be some of you that don’t resonate, that’s totally fine. Keep your cynicism to yourself, try to work through it. Don’t say rude things to guys, it may not sound rude to you, but don’t say anything like, oh, the patriarchy blah, blah, blah, if it’s something you heard in the women’s studies course, at college, and your professor said this about men, don’t repeat it on a date, please.

Because that our society is very, in many ways. We’re very like anti-man. And so you may have heard something that you think is normal, and you may say it on a date, and like that’s going to insult a guy. So be careful about that. Be careful about that. So anyways, that is that food for thought. Just make sure you like men and if you don’t like men, ask yourself why. Now there are always going to be men that are dangerous criminals and we are never going to like them and that’s okay. But what I mean is you don’t want to paint with too broad a brush. So anyway, that’s that. And if you have a question or a comment, feel free to leave it below and I hope you have a good day. Thank you for watching.