Welcome to Thomistic womanhood. In today’s video, we’re going to continue the series on beauty, truth, and goodness and how to be attractive. And this is a section on truth. For this part, we are going to be talking about effective communication. Relationships are built on like trust and communication. And it’s important to communicate both positively and negatively. You know, a lot of people talk about communicating your negative feelings, you know, but it’s also important to communicate your appreciation, your admiration, the things you like about them. So communication isn’t just a pause isn’t just negative, it’s also positive. But in this video, we will kind of focus on communicating the difficult stuff because I think it’s a little, sometimes it can be a little easier to communicate the positive, but it’s usually the negative stuff where we kind of hit a roadblock, one of the guiding principles is, you know, don’t sweep things under the rug, it’s a really good saying, and it is a person success in life is in direct proportion to the number of uncomfortable conversations they’re willing to have.

This is I believe, the Google CEO Eric Schmidt said it but Tim Ferriss also says something very similar in his book. So multiple people have said this, but the basic idea is, if you want to be successful in life, you know, the only thing that separates you from that often is just the difficult conversation. And I think that’s important because I think a lot of us women, sometimes we’re afraid to fight, or we kind of want to just sweep things under the rug, we want there to be harmony, we want everybody to have a good time and feel good about everything. And sometimes we can kind of avoid conflict a little bit. And it’s important to get things out in the open, it’s important to get things talked about so that you and your partner can come to some kind of an agreement that works for both of you. So having said that, on the other hand, you don’t want to be you know, bringing up every little thing. And so where’s the balance, the way you find the balance with that is you want to process and discern your feelings kind of in private, certain things are big enough and clear enough to where like, you know, you need to say something, but a lot of times it can be hard to know what to bring up because you’re like, well, I don’t want to be a nag or I don’t want to be this or that.

And it’s you know, that’s not a bad idea. It is important to kind of process and discern by yourself in private kind of think through how you feel if you’re irritated or something bothered you. Sometimes it helps to kind of think about like, Well, why am I bothered by that? Is it that big of a deal? Am I being silly? Can something be physical? Did I not get enough sleep last night, you know, am I cranky? So things like that you want to kind of think about thinks it through. But if after you quickly Think it through, you’re like, no, it does bother me, or let’s say, you know, you let it slide that time and keeps happening. And you’re like, Okay, this is a pattern or you let it go in the moment. And then you kind of waited a couple of days, and you were still bothered by it. In those situations. Yeah, it is important to bring it up and say something about it. And you know, you want to be honest with yourself, don’t stuff your feelings. And then you know, you want to be honest with the person you’re dating. So how to bring up difficult feelings, there’s a serious way. And then there’s something I’m going to call kind of like the playful way. So for the serious way, this is for like maybe bigger things or more serious things. You want to try and keep your tone balanced. You know you want to try and don’t talk about something when you’re emotional about it. You want to talk when you’re somewhat calm, that’s always going to help you. And another thing, sometimes fewer women can be what I call tone blind to our tone of voice.

Men are a lot more sensitive to it than I’ve noticed in the workplace too when a woman gets up like not even getting upset or you can kind of hear the emotion in her voice. I noticed that men get uncomfortable. It’s like they’re very sensitive to how our tone of voice is sound. And I feel like women, we hear it and we’re like, okay, she’s upset, well, what’s going on and it doesn’t faze us, but I noticed that men get very uncomfortable. And I’ve noticed that I’ve often had to try and make an effort to speak more flatly. Because it’s like the men get distracted once they hear that upset tone and then they’re upset and don’t listen.

So when you’re bringing up something, try to stay calm about it. So there’s that and then you want to keep the screaming and the crying to a minimum. I think that goes without saying you want to try and be concise and direct. Don’t drag it out and go on and on about it. You know, just in You know, say what you’re thinking or say, importantly, say how it made you feel you don’t want you to want to approach it from the point of view of when you did x, it made me feel why. And I know that a lot of self-help books will often, like shoot that down, they’ll say nobody can make you feel something, you know, you are in charge of your feelings, you know. So a lot of like, pop psychology is kind of against that. But when you’re dealing with men, especially men that you’re dating, and that are supposedly attracted to you, focusing the conversation on this is how you made me feel, and you want to come from it from like a non-accusatory way, because oftentimes, guys, they’re not the same as women. They’re not as delicate as us women, they don’t have as much. I don’t want to say they don’t have empathy, because some men, you know, can have a lot of compassion and empathy. But men very often don’t intend to hurt our feelings. And they do. And so they will often, you know, a good man will appreciate when you say something because then he’ll go, Oh, I have no idea. You know, wow, I had no idea I made you feel that way. Or, oh, I had no idea that that was the message it sent. So you want to focus on how it makes you feel. And then also, the other reason for that is because any decent guy worth his salt, who’s dating you is approaching this from the point of view of he wants to make you happy like literally, he wants to make you feel happy.

A lot of guys, that’s their goal. In a relationship, it’s I’m going to make this woman happy. It’s different for us women, we want to have that togetherness and that companionship and that like, getting to know another human being, you know, but guys, they’re just they’re very task-oriented. It’s like, I’m here to make you feel good. Like, literally. And so if you focus it on, on Well, you know, that didn’t really make me feel good, or Well, this, that doesn’t make me happy guys, they’ll pay attention to that. Whereas if you try to do it from a more logical, quote, unquote, point of view, and you try to come up with all the reasons why, well, you didn’t call me, and you should call me we’re in a relationship. And you know, boyfriends really ought to call their girlfriends every day, you know, and you didn’t do that. And that just, I mean, don’t you care about me, you know, like, that kind of approach is not really going to be effective, because then he’s going to be caught up in the logic of it. And he’s gonna be like, well, who says boyfriends have to call every day? And like, we didn’t agree to that, and blah, blah, but you know, but if you’re like, Well, you didn’t call me yesterday, and it made me feel a little ignored. Maybe it’s just me. But that’s just kind of that’s how it seemed to me. Just leave it at that. And then that gives the guy something to work with. He’s like, oh, that made you feel heard, or Oh, you felt ignored? Will? Oh, I didn’t know it had that effect, you know, well, here’s what happened, actually, my car broke down. And that’s why I didn’t call in full but and so it kind of puts the conversation on a more positive footing.

So that’s something to think about. And also, we focus on how it made you feel, again, briefly, you know, you don’t want to go on and on and on about your feelings, either. But if you just briefly are like, Well, you know, when you did this, it made me feel like this that men can actually like men can argue with your feelings, if you come up with reasons why they should do it. And you know, well, this is how couples should act or don’t you, if you cared about me, you would do this. That’s approaching it from a moral like, you know, logical, rational point of view. And then guys will argue with that, you know, oh, well, if I do care about you, and that doesn’t mean I didn’t care, you know, and then it starts an argument. But when you focus on your feelings, they can’t argue with feelings at anybody, you know, even outside of a romantic relationship. If somebody tells you, well, when you did such and such made me feel like doesn’t it annoy you when you know, maybe a female friend says that to you? This is why us women don’t say it in relationships with men because we know that it’s annoying when we say it to each other. And we don’t want to annoy the guy. Cuz Think about it. Haven’t you had that one friend who’s like constantly talking about her feelings? Like, well, you know, when you didn’t include me on the shopping trip? It made me feel like blah, blah. And you’re like, I don’t care. You know, like, sometimes, but it’s because, you know, you can’t argue with her. You know, it’s like, okay, that’s, that’s how you felt.

There’s nothing I can do about and it’s the same way with men. When you focus on your feelings. They can’t argue with that. Nobody can argue how you felt but again, you don’t want to abuse that and constantly be like some emotional tyrant of like, Well, that didn’t make me feel good. And this doesn’t so take it with a grain of salt. But anyways, the other thing to the other situation is if he notices and he asks, you know, maybe you’re kind of, you’re kind of thinking about whether you should say something or not And you’ve got a little quiet and he’s like, Hey, is something wrong? Or are you upset? Don’t say, Fine, oh, I’m fine. Well, that just shuts down things. And in a relationship, you want to be a team, you want to kind of cooperate. And when a guy notices that you’re upset, first of all, that’s actually nice. He noticed you’re upset. That’s a sign of compassion. That’s a sign of empathy. That’s the kind of guy you want. You know, us women are always complaining that like, men don’t notice how we feel, or they’re inconsiderate. So, you know, be glad that he noticed. And then secondly, you don’t want to say something like, Oh, I’m fine, or it’s fine. Because it’s like, we all know it’s not fine. And again, that just shuts down the conversation, it breaks the link between you guys, and it kind of shuts him out. And then you can’t really get things solved that way.

But on the other hand, what if you really aren’t ready to talk about it? Maybe you want to kind of think about it by yourself and be like, is this really reasonable? You know, should I be upset? or for whatever reason, you know, you’re not comfortable bringing it up yet, then a good thing to say is, yes, something’s wrong, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. And that’s it. And then the guy Oh, well, why I just don’t want to talk about it right now. And then later, you know, after you’ve thought it through, and you’re calmer, you know, you can bring it up again, when you’re ready. You know, I think there’s a rule I’ve read in like relationship books before, they will often say like, well, you have to bring it up right then or like, guys are like, Don’t blindside me three days later, you know, like, yeah, there is some truth to it, it is good to bring it up in the moment. But at the same time, sometimes you’re too upset in the moment, and maybe bringing it up in the moment really isn’t the best thing. And so that’s a good phrase for times like that. Um, the next thing is kind of the second way I was talking about how to bring up difficult feelings. And that is what I will call the playful way, this is for smaller things, you know, less serious things, you know, maybe like little quirks or annoyances. And this is how to kind of defuse the situation in a playful way.

And so there’s a phrase, it’s called childlike anger, if you’ve ever read fascinating womanhood or the pamphlets, it’s based on, they talk about this a lot. And childlike anger is where, again, you kind of make a joke out of it a little bit. And that’s why I’m saying this is kind of for things that are not like super serious, you know, like, if your husband has a drinking problem, you’re not going to sit there and like, make a joke about it, you know, like, you’re going to, you’re going to go the more serious route, but if it’s something dumb, then you know, a good some of the, some of the ways of childlike anger is, you kind of there is a certain like bluntness, you know, like, children don’t really have a filter. And so you can kind of be blunt, and make a little smart remark, or you can do but there was, there was one, there was one example that was given that was kind of funny, and it was about so this woman was having an argument with her husband, and she decided to, like, go to her room, she’s like, forget it, I’m mad, like, I’m going to my room, you know, until like, she shut the door. And then he was kind of playing along, and he locked the door and locked her inside. So then she started pounding on the door, and was like, you gotta let me out.

Now, I’m gonna, I want to get out, I’m gonna steal, I’m gonna spend all your money, you know, you can. And it was kind of a joke, you know, she’s not really going to go spend his money, but it was kind of a joke. And it was kind of poking fun at it. So that was funny. And like, the kids thought it was hilarious because they’re like, look at mommy daddy fighting, you know. So that’s kind of an example from the book. And then childlike anger. childlike anger is what gives fascinating, womanhood a bad rep, because she uses the example of stomping your feet. And some women, you know, if it is your natural response to stomp your feet, by all means, stomp your feet, you know, if you’re mad, stamp your foot and be like, Oh, how can you do that? You know, that’s childlike anger, you know, because little kids stomp their feet, or they shake their fists, or they like scrunching up their face, you know? So it’s things like those little playful responses, you know, or like, stick out your tongue at them or something, you know, again, if this is your natural response, obviously, some of you would feel silly doing those things. And if you don’t feel authentic to you, by all means, don’t do it. But you know, childlike anger and having a playful response is, you know, look at the way little kids are when they get angry and adult because there is such a powerful dynamic difference, and they know that the adult is bigger and stronger than them. The child feels like they have to exist. saturate their feelings to, you know, mounts up to the same level as the adult, you know, and that’s why little kids, you know, they’ll stomp their feet, or they’ll stick out their tongue, you know, because they’re, they’re trying to do something. And what that does is that kind of appeals to the man’s sense of, I don’t know how to explain it, it’s like, men want to feel like big and strong and powerful. And when you are playfully doing that kind of stuff, it does appeal to that sense of power.

And it does bring up a problem, you make it clear, you’re upset, but you make it clear, you’re upset in a funny, non-threatening kind of way, you know. And again, that’s why I say this is really only for things that are not, you know, really serious, because you don’t want to trivialize something you’re upset about, you know, there are times where this is definitely not appropriate. But again, there’s times where you’re just like, oh, that’s, that’s stupid, or, or, you know, and there’s times where that’s appropriate. And it brings a sense of, it brings some humor into the relationship, you know, if you think the idea of acting childlike, is silly, while at the same time, it’s kind of funny, you know, and if you have a good sense of humor, you know, it’s, you can kind of play a bit it is funny. So that is, that is something about it. Another thing that children do, is they will, they will have exaggerated shock. And, you know, so if he says, or does something, just be like, Oh, you know, like, open your eyes really big, you know, like, I can’t believe that. I’m scandalized. You know, like, he kind of makes you can kind of make jokes. You know, this is kind of, it’s kind of how to joke with your man, there are playful, funny, humorous ways to draw attention to things. Sometimes you can be kind of sassy. If you are naturally a sassy person. Some men really like that some men really love a sassy woman. And if you’re good at making like a little, a little quip, you know, here and there. Or let’s say, Okay, let’s say your boyfriend takes his shoes off, and his feet smell really bad. Like, let’s say he hasn’t, like showered or something. Or he just got done running or playing basketball or something, his feet smell really bad. And you’re like, oh, man, you know, but you know, you kind of let it slide because you’re gonna pick your battles, you know, whatever. And then let’s see, let’s say later, you know, then let’s say a few minutes later, you take your feet, your shoes off. And he like, decides to like, kind of criticize you for it like, wow, your feet smell kind of gross, because sometimes men will do that. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve politely refrained from saying something to a guy, and then he’ll go do the same thing to me. Or I’ll accidentally do something similar. And then he’ll like, call me out on it. And I’ll be like, why, like, I let you get away with it.

So this is a good example of that. So let’s say you know, you take off your shoes, and then he complains that it smells bad. Well, you can just look at and be like, Oh, well, I suppose your feet smell like the Botanical Gardens kind of puts him in his place, but it’s kind of sassy. And some men like that. But at the same time, you have to be careful, it doesn’t devolve into sarcasm, you know, because men do not like sarcasm, being very biting and sarcastic. Like, you know anybody, not just men, nobody really likes that. That’s kind of not a nice way to be so when you’re being like sassy and stuff, you got to kind of say it with a smile on your face and be kind of humorous about it because Yeah, sometimes it can come off as like kind of sarcasm and being kind of biting and that’s not good. So again, those are some ideas on how to bring up difficult feelings. I hope that was helpful. I feel like I rambled all over the place, but that is some stuff to do and some food for thought