Welcome to Thomistic womanhood. In today’s video, we’re going to talk about the number one mindset to have to be successful in dating. So, to talk about this mindset, we’re going to contrast it with its opposite. And so in dating, there are roughly two mindsets you can have, the more cynical among us may have a worse mindset that’s like horribly mercenary, like the gold digger mindset where you’re like, I don’t care who I get with, as long as like I’m financially well off or whatever.

So, that’s not a mindset we’re going to talk about, because I’m going to assume that you’re in this because you want to find someone you love and admire and have a happy relationship with that hopefully leads to marriage. So in that camp, there are two mindsets that you can have. So and it’s kind of what I call loosely speaking, it’s kind of like hunting versus attracting.

So in the first mindset, this is where you’re trying to make it work with somebody who you’ve identified as attractive, and you’re kind of optimizing for that particular guy. So this is where maybe you met somebody at work or school, or something else, where you didn’t meet him through him indicating interest, it’s not something where like, he walked up to you, although things that start that way can turn into this. But basically, there’s a guy that you like, and you’re trying to get them to like you or get them to be attracted to you or get them to notice you. And that is, that’s kind of the first mindset that I’m talking about. And this is oftentimes it may be isn’t going as well, maybe you’re not getting as much attention as you’d like, or maybe you want him to ask you out, and he’s not asking you out, this is kind of the situation where you’ll be on YouTube, and I’ve been there, where you’re watching all the videos, where it’s like three ways to get a guy to notice you or three texts, he’ll love things like that. It’s where you’ve identified who you want, and you’re trying to get an outcome with this particular person.

Now, this is a strategy that and this is a mindset like we all fall into like I’ve been there. And I feel like it’s kind of like a high risk, high reward. Because this is the kind of thing that kind of goes against human nature. Men don’t like to be pursued, anything you chase in life will run away. And as women, it goes against our nature as well, even though it’s something it’s very easy for us to do, especially in today’s world where women are encouraged to be go-getters in our education and our career. And just in our personal lives in general, we’re encouraged to just like, go out there and take initiative. And it can often seem that our love life should work the same way. I got all these other great things in my career and business and work and education by going after what I wanted. Why wouldn’t my love life be the same way, and your love life doesn’t work that way? Because in your love life, you are dealing very intimately with another person with education and business and career, the relationships are more shallow, yes, you can have good friendships that come out of your college or your workplace. But in general, it’s a more transactional surface-level thing.

When you get deeper into the relationship, it’s closer. And because it’s closer, certain psychological dynamics come into play that don’t come into play, when you’re dealing with getting a degree or getting a job or doing well at your job. So it’s something to keep in mind. And I think it’s a nuance that a lot of us miss, I think sometimes, and I think our society kind of deliberately lets women miss that nuance because we don’t talk about this enough, I feel but this also goes against feminine human nature as a woman you want to be cherished and loved, and valued by a man. I think at the end of the day, most of us want that, and when we complain to our boyfriends, or our friends about the guy we like, it’s, oh, he doesn’t notice me or it comes down to he’s not making me feel special. And I don’t like that, but again, that’s because we’re women. We want to be made to feel special. We want people to make a fuss over us. Men want that too, but they want it differently. And so when you pick a guy and focus on attracting him, and only him And then that becomes the focus then it kind of you you move into the pursuer role you take on more of that like masculine energy and then your feminine side gets neglected that that desire and that instinct of yours to be cherished and be pursued is not fed, that part of you doesn’t you don’t get what you need. And then that’s why oftentimes, even if things do work out with the guy, even if you do go on a date with him, or he does start texting or whatever, it’s like, it’s almost like a hollow victory because you’re always looking over your shoulder for like, when’s it going to end when I stopped putting an effort for this relationship? Is he going to stop and that’s why I don’t recommend this strategy. Again, I’ve been there, I’ve done it too. We’ve all done it. I’m not saying this from a judgmental place like we’ve all done this. But it is like I said, it’s a more high risk, high reward, it’s risky.

Men don’t value what came to them easily, they’re different than us women, us women are very much into seeing the value of the human person, man, not, they just, they view it differently, okay, they’re not into, you know, who is this person, I value them just because they’re a person, men don’t approach relationships, that way, they approach it as I got a goal. And my goal is to make you happy, if you are not their goal, it’ll be really obvious and so these are the relationships where if it does become a relationship, you’ll say, Oh, I tried so hard, or where you kind of lose yourself, or it doesn’t even have to be a relationship, you can have a crush on a guy. And you can try so hard that yeah, you can end up losing yourself. So that’s the first mindset. Again, I think it’s risky. I’m not saying this doesn’t work out. Sometimes there are women who had their eye on a particular man, and it ended up working out. So I’m not saying it’s not going to ever work out for you.

But I’m just saying go into this with your eyes open, and know that your odds of this working out are going to be lower than if you do the other strategy. And so now we’re gonna get to the mindset. That is the number one mindset to have. And this is the mindset of, you want to make yourself attractive to as many men as possible, and then pick from who shows up. Now, this can take some adjustment because a lot of us women, we feel like, oh, there’s not that many attractive men, it’s so hard to find good men, and I don’t want to have to settle if I do this method, I’m gonna have to settle. Not necessarily, when you do this, and you get lots of men in your world, and you’re talking to them, you don’t have to, like kiss these men or, God forbid, sleep with all these men. Okay? This is not what that means. But what it means is if you’re online dating, you’re talking to multiple men, you’re going out on dates, hopefully, these online dates are moving off the platform. And these guys are, asking you out for a coffee or and then later, going to like dinner dates and stuff. I know people nowadays, it’s very hard. Like, it’s harder for people to date in real life. I mean, it’s easier for things to stay in a text-only thing, or they’ll stay on the platform. It’s like messaging only.

And so you want it to move off the platform. However, you don’t want it to move off the platform into this guy’s house. like you don’t want to do like Netflix and chill. where he’s just seeing you as a booty call. Like, because like, that’s one of the things like certain apps, yeah, guys will move it off the app, but really, they just want it like you in their bedroom. And that’s not what I’m talking about. You want men that are texting you and they’re taking you out, they’re taking you out for coffee, they’re taking you out for dinner, they’re taking you out to the movies or the museum or things like that. And so for men like that, you should be talking to multiple men like that. I’m not saying you have to do something crazy like five or six men where it’s like you start forgetting who you’re talking to and like losing track of like what you did with who or whatever keep it manageable, but most women can manage to talk to maybe three or four guys and this is something where if men find out you’re doing this don’t shout it from the rooftops but at the same time if it comes up in conversation, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, and it will up if a guy finds out you’re doing this and he already is interested in you. His interest is gonna go way up. He will complain until the cows come home.

Men complain about this all the time they call girls that do this. Oh, she’s this, she’s that. Oh, she’s a terrible boba. Men complain about it because it’s effective. After all, it works because it puts you in the control position. And, and then you get to pick from among the men that are coming to you versus you having to dish out, deal with whatever crumbs they want to dish out. And men complain about this because they want to be in the control position. And it’s something they do all the time. If you’ve heard of guys with side chicks or whatever, it’s a similar concept, now, side chicks if you’re married, or you’re already in a committed relationship, like, that’s reprehensible.

But in general, men often will aspire to have multiple women that they’re talking to. And it makes sense, because when you’re single and you’re dating, and you’re looking for that lifetime partner, you don’t have a lot of time to waste, life is short, and it pays to talk to multiple people, just as if you were job hunting, I would hope you’re applying at more than one place. And so it’s kind of the same concept, you don’t know which guy is going to pan out. So relationships flow better when you do this when you are making yourself attractive to many men and glow ups are a part of this working on your femininity is a part of this, you want to develop skills on how to be attractive and to be real.

Most of us develop these skills at first because we’re interested in a particular man, okay, like, I’m not knocking it, everybody starts there. But you want to move beyond that, if you want to be advanced in dating, you move beyond developing your skills just for one guy, and you start developing your dating skills, your makeup skills, your conversation skills, your evaluation skills, you want to be able to evaluate whether this guy is serious or not, dating takes skills, it does, obviously, there should be a certain aspect of intuition and emotion and sincerity to it. But some skill goes into it, you need to get skilled at recognizing red flags and things like that. But when you develop these skills, and you make yourself attractive to many men, not just optimizing for one man, then you are in a better position, and the men that come to you, you can pick from whoever comes to you.

And then the relationship flows along easier. Because the man came to you, it wasn’t you coming to him, you in a certain sense accepting crumbs and hoping for more. It was, this is what I have available. If you don’t like me, I have other men on speed dial who I can go out with or who I am going out with, obviously, if one of these guys if you do like some of them, like a favorite, let’s put it that way if you have a favorite. And because that’s ideally that’s the goal, you will date multiple men, and then eventually one of them is going to kind of come up as the favorite if you and he sit down and he initiates the conversation of hey, let’s be exclusive. You stop talking to the other guys. Okay? Like that’s, I feel like that’s, that’s a detail that needs to be mentioned, you don’t keep this going after you and another guy have agreed to be exclusive, mutually exclusive. But until that point, you’re free to date whoever you want. And yeah, the relationships flow easier when the guy’s there because he wants to be us, women. Women are very attractive.

Men love women, they love our attention. And so we can often kind of maneuver our way into a pseudo-relationship with a guy if we really liked someone, and we have our heart set on someone, oftentimes, yes, sometimes you can kind of maneuver things along. But the relationship always feels like an uphill battle, And so this other way, when you have this other mindset, then it flows easily. It’s more, it’s just things are easier, you’re not constantly pushing, it doesn’t feel like you’re pushing a rock uphill, it’s almost like you’re walking downhill, and you’ve got this momentum behind you. And so yeah, that’s kind of what I would say about it.

Now, one of the biggest concerns that come up about this is, well, if I have to pick among who picks me What if I don’t like everybody who picks me, let’s say you’ve got, three or four men, that you’re talking to, and you’re not super crazy about any of them. That’s totally something that can happen. Okay, like, I’m not gonna say like, oh my gosh, you’re gonna have all these wonderful, amazing men, depending on your situation. Yeah, you may end up in a place where you’re like, Yeah, I have men approaching me. But they’re kind of not really my type. You know? Now there are two ways you can solve this one, look at yourself and be like, Okay, how’s my appearance? You know, am I doing my hair? If you’re into makeup, are you doing your makeup? Are you wearing cute outfits? How’s your femininity? Are you a good conversationalist? Do you try to dominate conversations? Do you have very strong opinions that you maybe trot out too early, it’s okay to be passionate about something and have opinions. But in the beginning stages of dating, before you’ve gone exclusive with somebody, you want to see your opinions, but you don’t want to be so rigid in them, that you may be getting into arguments, so things like that you want to maybe watch out for when you’re dating, but in general, yeah, you want to increase, work on increasing your attractiveness in whatever way you think you need to do it, if you’re like, well, maybe I need to be a better texter, or maybe, maybe you’re worried you’re scaring guys away, that can happen.

If you have traumas that aren’t processed, sometimes we can unknowingly do things that don’t really paint us in the best light. So that’s something. So those are things to work on to increase the quality of the men you’re running into. And then the second thing is, look at how you’re putting yourself out there. Are you going to like singles meetups? Are you online dating? Are you where the men are, that your type, I talked about this in my previous video, go where the type of men you’re interested in hanging out, get around those kinds of men are you doing that, maybe you’re not around enough of the kind of guy that you are interested in. And so naturally, the men you’re attracting, you’re just like, I don’t really like it. And then there’s one thing that is also important about this mindset, and this goes along with the mindset, a lot of women, we are so used to being in that chasing position where we pick a guy, and we work to get that one guy’s attention, that sometimes when a guy comes to us first, and we don’t have to put all that effort in, it can feel almost creepy, it can feel almost like oh, there’s something wrong here, like this isn’t, this isn’t how I normally do things.

And so maybe he has an ulterior motive, or maybe part of this mindset is, you have to get over the fact that men are going to get over the fact is kind of me and I don’t mean to say that. But you need to accept the fact that men are going to approach you, they are going to ask for your number, they are going to tell you you’re beautiful, they are going to say and do nice things for you. And that doesn’t always mean that they’re creepy bad people, I think a lot of times women will often get, there’ll be a man who is kind of pursuing them in their life. But we almost like misinterpret it as like being creepy and like, Oh, now obviously, this takes some discernment, and you want to talk about this was someone you trust, maybe like, a grandma or an aunt or your mother or a wise friend, especially like a married friend, I find married friends tend to give you better dating advice because they’re married and they want you to be married to because they’re happy, single friends, I find that oftentimes, single friends are in the same boat as you, they’re looking for someone as well.

And so they often don’t know how to fix that, because if they did, they would have they’d be married, married people have crossed that chasm. So they’re like, Hey, here’s the bridge, here’s how to do it. The other thing about single friends that often doesn’t get discussed is that single friends often want to keep the status quo, and they want you to be single, too. And so when they hear you talk about yeah, there’s this guy at my work. He’s always trying to talk to me in the break room, or, he mentioned we should go out for coffee. I don’t know what I should say. And sometimes your single friends can feel threatened by that. They’re like, Oh, we’re breaking up the squad, she’s gonna start dating him. And, she’ll stop talking to us. And so they’ll convince you like, oh, that’s creepy. Really? Oh, he talks to you in the break room. I don’t know about you.

So you have to be careful that it’s not creepy for men to be interested in you. It just depends on how they express that interest and what kind of person they are. if this guy says he boils bunnies on the weekend, obviously you don’t want him pursuing you. But if he’s just a nice, normal guy, and he tends to try and talk to you a lot, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. So that’s really important about this mindset. It’s kind of like a sub mindset that I think you need to develop. But anyway, that is it. I would say those are the two mindsets. And that is the number one I do feel that makes you attracted to many men, and then picking from who shows up. I do feel like that’s the more effective strategy, especially in today’s world. And yeah, I just can’t say enough for it. I actually, that’s more of the strategy I did. When I met my husband. I didn’t meet my husband. He wasn’t somebody that I met and kind of focused on. I was actually online dating, and maybe I’ll tell The full story another time, but I was actually talking to multiple men when I started talking to him. And he knew that it was like built into the conversation. And I actually and he was ironically, one of the men out of the ones I was talking to, I had favorites.

But he wasn’t the favorite right away. But he became my favorite later as I started talking to him and getting to know him. And then, we met and things moved off the platform. But I do really feel because prior to that, I would often do the strategy of picking one guy and focus on him. And I do feel really shifted when I started working on being attractive to many men and then picking from who showed up, and who treated me the best, basically. And my husband did yeah, he was one of the ones that was the most he would always write back the fastest out of these other men. And he had the best advice in his messages. And then, yeah, so it’s a long story. Yeah, I use this mindset, and I ended up getting married. So I highly recommend it, and I hope you’ll consider it as well. So if you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave one below. And I hope this is helpful. Have a great day.