Welcome to Thomistic Womanhood. In today’s video, we are going to talk about something that was a viewer request, hello destiny. I was asked if the scoring system I made, I made a video about a scoring system, I was asked if that helped me later find my husband. And then the idea was floated of doing a video where we just discussed things that really helped me get married.

So that’s what this video is going to be about. This is going to be where I talked about, I’ve got a list of five things. And then one bonus thing at the end, these are the five things that I feel like really moved the needle for me and helped me find my husband, and then later get married, I married at 36. That was not deliberate. I was not the kind of person who was like a career woman and deliberately planned to get married, I wanted to get married. Like, as soon as I graduated high school, like I was, I was raring to go. So I was definitely one of those people that just kind of, I don’t know, it just took a while to work out. So I may be a little butthurt in this video. I don’t want to say a difficult topic, but it is. It’s kind of a difficult situation. Like for everybody, everybody who’s watching this, if you’re single, you’re gonna be like, yeah, so anyways, I got my notes here on my phone. And we’ll get right into it.

TIP 1: Take Your Relationships Seriously

So out of the number one thing, and I don’t think these are really in any particular order, but this one is number one. So it is the idea of taking your relationship seriously. This was a phrase I came across in the book, I don’t have it with me here. But I talked about it in the five books, I think every woman should read the phrase in the Jane Austen guide happily ever after she says take your relationship seriously. And that was something that I really hadn’t done. Up until this point, I also was Catholic, I moved in a lot of religious conservative circles. And everybody there kind of just assumes you’re gonna get married. Like, if you’re a woman of faith, like you can probably relate because yeah, people just kind of assume you’re gonna get married. And in my experience, it’s like, nobody really lifted a finger to like, help me get married. Like, nobody introduced me to their grandsons or anything like that, or, gave me tips on how to date or advice or anything, everybody kind of just assumed it would happen. And they just kind of blew off my concerns.

When I was young, then it’s like, right around when I hit like, my early 30s, it was like the attitude shifted. And then suddenly, it was like, Well, I guess you’re gonna have to find something else useful with your life. And that, see, this is the part of the video where I feel a little butthurt. That was kind of something I didn’t really think was fair, it was like, Wait, you’re gonna give up on me when like, you didn’t even like to help me. And it wasn’t really something I could direct it like one person, like, this was a general pattern I had observed in all the people like the little old lady at mass that, uh, or the parish priests or, whoever I went to for advice? That seemed to be the general attitude. And it sounds like it’s kind of common, yeah, people just assume you’re gonna get married, they don’t really bother giving you any kind of advice or direction on how to do that. And then when you don’t get married, they kind of act like it’s your fault. And then they’re just like, oh, well, guess it’s not happening for you. Or they’ll guess it’s not God’s will for and it’s like, Well, how was it not God’s will when I never even like, gave it a fair chance like, you told me not to do anything.

Everybody was like, Oh, it’ll happen in time. Don’t do anything, like God will take care of it. And then like, when it doesn’t happen, oh, well, it’s like, I don’t know. So I’d say the number one thing that made the difference was I was finally in my early 30s. I think it was about 32 or 33. I just got fed up. I was like, this is not going to happen. If I don’t do something, cuz I was thinking I was like, Man, I’m 32 Even if I live to be like, 70 that’s like, what another 37 years, I’ll be alive. Like, that’s a long time if the rescue doesn’t come.

So I better do some and also when others like authority figure tight people are kind of just writing me off and just acting like, oh, yeah, I guess it’s not God’s will. It’s like, okay, well then I better do something because clearly these people don’t have any answer, and what they did advise is not working. So yeah, it got to a point where I was just like, I have to take this seriously, I have to stop being passive about it. Because I was pretty passive. I thought, if I was a good girl, and I don’t mean, good girl in the term, it’s normally meant, but I meant like, Oh, if I was good, and followed these people’s advice, they were like, oh, yeah, just, go to work. And, say your prayers, and that’ll be enough, you don’t do your daily duties and blah, blah, blah. And it was like, that wasn’t enough. So yeah, I think the number one thing if you want to get married, especially in your 30s, is, you have to decide for yourself that you’re going to take this seriously. And you are going to be strategic about it, like you cannot be passive and accept it to just float your way. If you are single longer than you want to be. Whatever age that is, then, that passive attitude probably hasn’t been working for you. But anyways, that was number one.

TIP 2: Work Through Your Trauma In A Real Way

And then number two, I would say work through your trauma in a real way. So what I did was I took time off work. And it was like, right, it was like, right in the middle. It was during the pandemic, it was like, July, August of 2020, my mom was having some health problems. And so I took some time off work, they had a really generous, leave of absence kind of program, and where you could go part time. And so, in order to kind of keep an eye on my mom and things like that, I went part time at my job, which meant that I worked from like, eight or nine in the morning to like noon every day. And so then I had the afternoon free. And so during that time, I did that for I think about two or three months. And I took two weeks off that time. And I just spent every afternoon, obviously, I was in touch with my mom. But I spent every afternoon for about two weeks journaling through questions about my love life. And it was what I did and I don’t think I have that book either.

But it was an adapted version of Dr. Phil’s questions. I know, he’s kind of jumped the shark. And he’s kind of I don’t know, but, back in the early 2000s, he wrote a book called self matters. And it had a bunch of questions where you go over your life, and you write like, what were the defining moments? And who are the pivotal people? And what were the big choices you made? And so I kind of adapted those questions for my own use. And I made some changes and made my own, like, love life specific version of it. And so yeah, I blocked my life off into like, eight times, zero to 1515 to 2525 to 35, whatever. And then during those time periods, I analyzed, like, what were the big, defining moments of my love life, like, what happened during those times, that really impacted how I see myself as a romantic partner and like what I have to offer, what am I capable of, what kind of man am I capable of attracting? What kind of man do I think I deserve? things like that. And I just spent two weeks just writing out answers to these questions. And it was rough.

If you guys want I can give you something, like a PDF or something. Other questions, maybe I’ll put it in the description. But it was hard. It was a hard two weeks, I really had to dig deep. I did a lot of crying. It was like there was a lot of pain. I dug up, I had a really tough time growing up with my mom, like she, she had a lot of mental health problems. And like she would among other things, she would straight up tell me like, Oh, you’re gonna fail, mental break your heart, blah, blah, blah. She was incredibly negative about it. And she just Yeah, long story there. But there was a lot to unpack with that. And I do think about my mom’s attitude. I mean, if your own mother tells you, you’re gonna fail in love, like that’s not setting you up for success? So yeah, I was always I think that’s part of the reason I was so passive with my relationships. Going back to what I said, number one, I think it’s because I was just too scared to fail based on what my mom would tell me. Like, I was petrified of like, screwing up, so I had to really I had a lot to unpack there.

And so it was hard. It was not fun. Yeah. So anyways, that was number two,  so I’m saying one of the things if you are single longer than you want to be. Now, if you’re in your early 20s, and you’re watching this and you’re like I’m single, like more than I want to be like, don’t worry, you still have time, but if you are in your like late 20s or early 30s or beyond, and you’re like, Man, why am I still single? Like, yeah, it might be time to think,  have I been too passive, or on this next one do you have, maybe a bad attitude about love somewhere, maybe somebody taught you wrong ideas or something, maybe there’s some guilt there, maybe you did things in the past that you feel like make you unworthy of having a happy relationship in a marriage, you’re gonna have to dig through those things, I recommend journaling, because sometimes therapists can be hit or miss. And you may not also be able to afford one in my early 20s, when I needed a therapist, like I couldn’t afford a therapist, or like 100 bucks an hour, man, like, I couldn’t afford that. So journaling is a cheap way to get many of the same benefits. Now, there’s really no substitute for having another person hear your story and like, give her reaction to it, sometimes that can help wake us up.

But journaling, you can get a lot done with journaling. And so yeah, you gotta work through your trauma in a real way, if you really feel deep down, you need to get a therapist and you have the insurance or the money to afford it, then do it. But you got to do something in a real way, a lot of women, we kind of hide behind this idea that we’re broken, and that we need to like process our trauma. And we can often use it as an escape to kind of sit on the sidelines of the dating scene, and kind of avoid that risk of rejection. And we just, we don’t really address the trauma, we just keep saying we need to, and it’s an excuse. And that’s not what I’m talking about here. Like you need to stop the excuses. And you need to really sit down and dig into things like, what happened, you and so that’s number two.

TIP 3: Use A Scoring System

And then number three, I did a video about my scoring system for dating. And that that did help, it forced me to list out everything that I cared about and wanted me in. And it also forced me to prioritize it. Because in a perfect world, I mean, because it’s one thing to know what you want in a man. But then to take it a step farther and actually prioritize it, then what trade offs are actually going to be acceptable to you, it’s hard enough to figure out what you want in a guy. Because in a perfect world, we would want everything super tall, make a lot of money, be kind and funny, really hot, all these things. And there are certain things that I think are non negotiable, I think you should marry someone you think is hot. Okay, in case you’re wondering, spoiler alert, because I think sometimes women worry that they’re gonna have to settle for somebody they’re not attracted to, but marriage is about making babies, so you got to marry somebody that’s hot.

So I’m not saying you should compromise on that. But yeah, you got to look at everything else you want. And you got to figure out like, Well, based on what I prioritized, what, like, Is this even realistic? Am I being realistic here? And if you’re not, then you can kind of think, well, where are the areas that I don’t really need? like, where are the things I could give up? And I won’t feel like I’m settling, so yeah, that exercise did help. It did help me get some clarity on like, what I wanted, and then also it set parameters, it made the dating process a little more objective, because, again, I was always afraid of making a mistake, and I didn’t want to get my heart broke, because I’ve gotten my heart broke before, it’s not fun. Nobody wants to go back to that, nobody wants that to happen again.

So, for me, this gave me a framework, like, okay, when this guy has these things, I will then talk to him or I will then email him or I will go on it, or answer his email or go on a date, so that it’s objectivity there. And for me, that made me feel like I had a plan. Because for me, I feel like I’m the kind of person that needs to, like have a plan, like I need to know like, well, how is this gonna go before a start? it’s kind of a weakness, sometimes now, there’s certain things in life where I’m very, like spontaneous fly by the seat of my pants. But in something as serious as my love life, I did not want to fly by the seat of my pants. I was like, No, dude, I have to have a plan? And so if you’re that kind of person, yeah, dude, assuming you’ve done the other things on this list. Yeah, listing out what you want in a man ranking it by priority, assigning it point values, and then,looking at, you know, point values for when you’ll talk to them when you go on a date with that, blah, blah, things like that, that can help give you some structure. So I feel like dating nowadays is just so completely unstructured that it’s kind of intimidating, because it’s just such a free forum like, people don’t even say they’re dating anymore. And so if you’re the kind of person doesn’t like that, then I think the scoring system would be really good for you like,I will try and put a little card up here for it.

TIP 4: Reflect On Your Mortality

Number four, reflect on your mortality. This is a little morbid, but I do think it needs to be said. And this is one of the things that I do feel made a very real difference. For me, I was listening to another femininity guru. And she was talking about how, women in their 50s and 60s and 70, who in their 70s, who didn’t get married are often like the most bitter, they’re like, extremely bitter. And they’re really mean to younger women. And they can often sabotage them, especially like in the workplace and stuff. And,  like I said, it’s a little morbid to think about what you’re going to be like when you’re elderly. And we have such a youth obsessed culture, that we kind of tend to think we’re going to be young forever. And so we don’t really do this, but I think it’s an important exercise, you will eventually grow old, what are you going to do when you’re in your 60s and 70s, and you’re single now, I don’t want to scare you, don’t do anything from a place of panic, don’t turn off this video and like, rush out and do something, stupid or bad.

But it is worth thinking about, because I think as women, women, especially, want to preserve our youth for as long as possible. And I think because of that it often leaves us kind of, we kind of avoid thinking about what it’s going to be like when we’re really old. And because we’re constantly getting marketed, like, Oh, you have a wrinkle, oh, there’s a cream for that. Or, Oh, you’re getting gray hairs. Here’s some dye, like, I can fix this problem, like, oh, well, let me work out and I’ll look more youthful or blah, blah, or maybe you’re into facelifts or something. So there’s always something like a product or something, it’s easy for us to think we can kind of delay time. But you can’t, there will come a time when you’ll be old. And don’t get me wrong, you can get married at any time. I had an aunt who got married, she was a boy, she got married at 19.

And then she was widowed in like, I want to say like her early 30s. Like she was pretty young. And she was a widow until she was in her mid 50s. Maybe she might have been pushing 60. And then she met the sky and they fell in love. And he said he had never been married. And he said he was waiting his whole life for a woman like her, a really cute love story and they got married. And that was that. So you can get married at any age, I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to scare you. But there are women that don’t get married, and they end up living out the rest of their life single. And sometimes it can be useful to think about that, and really, reflect on your mortality and reflect on the fact that you will get old? And then what are you going to do, at least if you have a partner, you have somebody to grow old with, but I think some of us women, sometimes we, don’t really stop to think about that. And also, we have so many exciting options. we used to be worried about and a lot of us are worried about settling for a man. But I think sometimes now we settle for a lifestyle. And what I mean by that is if we can’t have the lifestyle of being married, have a family and kids, sometimes we will throw ourselves into our career and we’ll settle for that lifestyle.

Or, if we’re a little more free spirited, we’ll settle for traveling, maybe you’ll be like a world traveler, and you’ll be one of those digital nomad kind of people. I know, I was like, I was really kind of interested in that life. But it’s one of those things where, when you’re young, it’s easier to ignore the fact that you’re single and you don’t enjoy it. The older you get, the harder it becomes to ignore that it’s fun to travel when you’re young, and you have energy, but when you start hitting your like 50s and you’re achy and you’re sore, and you’ve seen all these countries, or you’ve worked all the jobs, it gets to a point where  you really do want that companionship. And I know most of you watching this are probably like yeah, I’m aware, I’m aware I want that companionship, but you have to really think about it, and so that for me, I had never thought about that. I always thought that I was going to be young forever, and I always thought oh, I’m young. I have time.

And when this lady was talking about these women that were in their 50s and 60s and how bitter and angry they were it really really made me reflect because I’ve seen women like that. I remember one of the first jobs I ever had, there was a woman, I think her name was sherry. And she was like, she was in her 40s. And she was single. And she just worked around the clock for the company. And she would get so frustrated, when like, a printer wouldn’t work. And she would just bring the printer and it was really sad to see, because she had literally no life outside of work, she would just, she would literally change in her pajamas, like lounge clothes, like sweatpants at five o’clock, and then just keep working. And she would like to eat her food at her desk, and she would just keep working. It was like the weirdest thing ever. And my like, I think it was like, 20 When I worked there, I thought that was like the weirdest thing. But later on, when I was in my 30s, and I was thinking about this, I was like, Dude, I could end up like that woman if I don’t do some.

So it also helps to think of someone who you think of as kind of like a cautionary tale, like, who is some older woman that you really don’t want to be like, it might be motivating to think about that woman and really, look in the mirror and be like, dude, if I don’t do something that could be me, so anyways, yeah, that was, that was another thing for me, I had to reflect on the fact and really come to terms with the fact that I was gonna get old that I wasn’t super young anymore, I wasn’t old, because you’re 30 is still young, but at the same time. It’s kind of not, I mean like, I don’t know how to explain it, but like, time was running out for me, let’s just put it that way, at least in my opinion, because I also wanted to have kids, again, you can get married at any age, but you can’t have kids at any age.

TIP 5: Go Where Your Type of Man Is

So anyways, number five, go where the kinds of men are that you’re interested in. And this is where number three is important, where I said, to find what you want. And I had my scoring system, and I said, talk through, write out whatever you want in a man and then prioritize it, well, then you have to kind of look at that. And then you have to think about your life and be like, How can I go where these men are? I ended up identifying where, like, I was looking for a man that was more like conservative leaning. And then I wanted somebody who knew how to work a gun and could protect me, I know, some of you may have felt a certain kind of way about guns and gun control. But for me, that was what I really wanted.

And so, I figured I ended up moving to Texas, because that seemed like the place to be for that. And luckily, it was, my gamble paid off. But that’s what I’m saying. Like you got to go where the men are, especially if you’re in your 30s It doesn’t have to be as drastic as moving to a whole nother state. But you need to identify what are the top things you’re looking for in a man the top like 123 and try to pick something in the area of protection, providing or like guidance and leadership, those are three areas that are really motivating to men, when they see a woman who needs one of those things and appreciates those things. It’s very motivating and it can really magnetize men to you. So pick something in those areas. Like for me, it was physical protection, it used to be economic protection, then it kind of shifted and became more like physical protection.

And I did get that, my husband, he does know how to work a gun. He’s very into survival and prepping and all that kind of stuff. He used to be in the army. So like they, they taught him that kind of stuff there. And he has the same values and stuff. So, it worked out it was a gamble to pick up my life and move to another state and thankfully, it worked out but that’s what I’m saying. Like you may have to go where the men are, and it doesn’t have to be as extreme as going to another state. Maybe you need to switch jobs, maybe you’ve got a STEM degree that you haven’t really been using, maybe it’s time to get a job in that field.  You’ll be around a lot of smart, ambitious,  well paid men who can afford a wife. I’ve often heard that if you’re really into it, you want to date like a really wealthy six figure guy.

One thing I’ve heard is to get a job at a really high end men’s clothing store like suits and ties and just like really like or like watches, really like wealthy stuff could try getting a job there. But again, you got to do something, you got to do something to get around men. If you haven’t been online dating. You should make a profile  and get out there to try to go to meetups, but you have to go where the men are, you can’t stay at home and I’m very guilty of this. I’m very introverted but you gotta change your life.

Anyways, those were five things that I think helped a lot. But I think also obviously,obviously, it was all up to God, God’s the one that decides, ultimately, what, when or if we’re gonna get married, but I really God said in the Bible, be fruitful and multiply, he wants people to get married, and have relationships and have children, I am convinced of it. But anyways, I’m gonna get to, those are the five things, I’m gonna get to the bonus thing real quick, when I was hinting at it before. Like I said, I watched Dr. Jordan Peterson, and there was a video clip where he was talking about if you want something, you can have it. And he was like, but what does it mean to really want something? And he said, If you really, really want something, it means you reorient your life in every possible way to make the likelihood of you getting what you want, as certain as possible.

And so that was something that really clicked, for me, because he also said, he was talking about how you got to aim at something. And when you want something, you may not get it right. And you have to keep trying until you get it right, I’ll post it, I’ll probably post a clip in the description, or maybe we’ll post it on the side here playing on the side here or something.

BONUS TIP 6: Don’t Be Afraid to Fail Until You Get It Right

But basically, the bonus tip was you have to be afraid to fail or not be afraid to fail. Because for me, I was always petrified I would fail. My mom really instilled that fear in me. And that expectation of failure in me. And so I have to say, like, one of the bonus number six, is that I finally just decided that I was going to try. And even if I didn’t get it right the first time, let’s say I get my, my heart broke, I picked the wrong guy, and he’s not, we break up doesn’t work out.

Even if that happens. I’m gonna keep trying again, until I get it right. And until I find the right guy. And so that’s Yeah, so I did online date one guy, and this was during the pandemic, so like, we never actually met. So, it was kind of a thing. But that didn’t work out. And I was very disappointed about that. And then later, I met my husband, the guy who became my husband, but it was, yeah, you definitely have to reach a point where you just Promise yourself that you’re gonna keep going, even if you don’t get it right right away. I think for a lot of us women, we are afraid to go through the frogs before we meet our prince, everybody just wants to go straight to the prince. we don’t want to go through the frogs. And we’re afraid of  that process. And I think sometimes you have to just bite the bullet, you don’t necessarily have to kiss these frogs. But you will have to deal with them.

And so yeah, I think you have to just kind of, not give up. There has to be you have to give yourself some slack and be like, Look, you’re not gonna get it right the first time. the first guy you pick, he might be a narcissist. He might be a jerk. Maybe you’ll say or do something that you feel stupid about. Okay, like, we all do dumb things when we’re dating. Nobody gets it right. I mean, unless you like to marry your high school sweetheart. But that’s rare and those marriages have their own difficulty store workout. Every marriage has its troubles. It has its great things. And then it has its not so great things. That’s what you get, because that’s how people are and people make up a marriage.

But yeah, you have to promise yourself like you’re gonna keep trying and not be afraid of failure. That was my problem. I was like, really scared of failure. And then I finally Yeah, one of the things that really made the difference is I finally kind of was like, yeah, like, I gotta, I gotta get over that. But anyways, long video, I hope that’s helpful. Those are like the five dating strategies that I feel like really move the needle. Obviously, you should understand men, you should be feminine, you should not sleep around, there’s things like that, you should have in place foundational things. But if you’re already doing those things, and like I was already doing that stuff, and I still wasn’t getting anywhere. And so for me these were the five things that actually really like six things that really worked and that moved the needle and I think that really made the difference for me. So anyways, I hope that’s helpful. It’s late, so I’m kind of rambling a little bit because I’m tired. So I hope that wasn’t too boring to listen to. But yeah, so if you have any questions, leave a comment down below and thanks for watching. Have a good day.